Introducing The Code Blue Burger™

After much brainstorming with my boss in a long-running joke around the office, I am proud to introduce The Code Blue Burger™...quite possibly the most unhealthful burger known to man. No veggies, absolutely nothing that isn't condemned by your cardiologist and guaranteed to give you a lethal heart attack within one hour or its free.

It weighs in at a grand total of three pounds. Any nutrients contained within are cancelled out by all kinds of fats, nitrates and miscellaneous artery-clogging materials too numerous to mention by name. It's the gastric equivalent of bungee jumping with a chain. If it makes it that far, it'll shred your intestines like paper in a monsoon. It'll hit your blood stream like a shot from a cannonball. Not for the weak. Not recommended for the strong, either. Make your peace with God and dig in!

Let's look at the breakdown* of this monster:

1. Enriched white bun. No sesame seeds. Extra starches. No nutritional value whatsoever.

2. Two 3/4 lb. half-beef, half-pork sausage patties, painstakenly injected with garlic butter.

3. Four layers of oil-based American cheese with none of that pesky lactose or calcium to get in your way.

4. Two strips of thick-cut, fat-heavy peppered bacon. One strip crispy, one strip soft.

5. Thick layer of mayonaise.

6. The whole burger deep-fried Monte Cristo style!

7. A hefty scoop of four-alarm, five-meat chili.

8. A hearty layer of the finest cheese-like sauce...from a can!

9. White gravy.

10. More canned cheese.

11. Brown gravy.

12. Two bonus strips of that yummy peppered bacon.

13. For a real taste explosion, we add a layer of Hollandaise sauce.

14. To bring it all home, a fried egg on top.


Consume at your own risk. A liability waiver must be signed and witnessed by a notary public before ordering. Jalapeno peppers available by request.

* Please note the irony of using the word "breakdown" in any form in regards to this burger, as it will not break down under any circumstances (in the stomach, in a landfill, anywhere).