I'm sorry, which finishing school did you graduate from?

I got into a bit of a tiff with a co-worker today. This guy works in the back of the shop, he's younger, and in most of my interactions with him, his sense of humor is immature at best. Usually I can just tune him out. But today, he kinda crossed a line with me.

I got some sesame chicken from Egg Roll Express. The food isn't particularly good, but I keep going back just because I think the guy running the place is hilarious. Every time he hands you your order, he always says, Have a good one!", but with his thick accent, it comes out as "Avagoowonn!"

I head back to the office with my food, intending to "Avagoowonn!" I head back to the break room, grab a soda and get ready to eat. This guys comes out of the restroom, takes one look at my food and says, "Man, I just shit something out that looks just like that!"

I just looked him in the eye and told him to leave. Now.

I wanted to just eat my lunch in peace and without it being compared to a bowel movement. One would think that this is a right that falls under the category of goes without saying. However, the rest of the day, any time I saw this guy, he would ask me if I shit it out yet, whether I thought it would look the same as it did going in, and why I was getting so upset about it?

My answers were: "Shut the fuck up.", "Seriously, shut the fuck up.", and "Because after I turned ten, shit stopped being funny, particularly when it's relating to what I was eating at that very moment." I told the guy to name me one situation, aside from Rodney Dangerfield entering a country club dining hall, where that kind of talk is remotely appropriate. His response: "What? Don't you ever take a shit?"

Yes, I shit quite normally, thanks for asking, but that doesn't mean I use it as a basis of comparison for anything, much less what I decide to eat! Is this how you order your food at a restaurant? Yes, I'll have the huge dump, a couple of fizzies, a squirter and a double-groaner.

Towards the end of the day, Any time this guy so much as made eye contact with me, I gave him a pre-emptive shut-the-fuck-up. The thing that tickled me most about this was that this guy has a girlfriend. Wow. What a courtship this must've been! Did he woo her by belching the alphabet and lighting his farts on fire?

To quote Bill Hicks, "And I'm not getting laid?"