Suddenly having the urge to repeatedly stomp on a gecko

A quick guide to insurance: Insurance is like gambling money on the chance that something really horrible might happen to you.

A quick guide to the mentality of insurance agents: In keeping with the gambling metaphor, an insurance agent is like a roulette croupier that doesn't want to pay you for your winning bet. Protest all you want, but they've got the casino on their side.

A quick guide to good karma: Saving that extra 15% on your car insurance really isn't worth it. Geico, eSurance.com, American Mercury...all those places are able to give you those savings because they don't throw money away on little things like on-staff adjusters, people who actually know what their talking about and answers to important questions like, "When can I get my car fixed?"

I got up this morning and proceeded to burning through nearly all of my anytime minutes on my phone. Naturally, I called the office to let them know that I probably wouldn't be in until the afternoon, if at all. Next, I did a few Google searches to track down the phone number of that dumbass girl that hit my car's insurance agent, only to find that their office hours didn't start for another half hour at that point.

All that I got from the officer last night was the police report number, the dumbass girl's name, the insurance company's name and their local office's address. Once I got the agent on the phone, I got a toll-free number to call and the dumbass' policy number, and the news that all claims are handled through that toll-free number. I called the number, and was told that the local agent could and should handle the claim. Sensing a bleak cycle of calling the same two numbers over and over again and being told to talk to the other each time, I asked the guy, "Why don't you humor me and take down my information instead, okay?"

This guy on the toll-free line won my vote for the "least amount of help over the phone without having an Indian accent" award. Here are the paraphrased questions, answers and what I desperately wanted to say back to this tool:

Question: "What should I do about my car? Should I have it towed to a body shop, or just leave it parked next to the curb until the adjuster looks at it?"

Answer: "Hmmmm...Well, you can have it towed if you like, sir, but it might need to be towed to a body shop that we have on our list of reputable shops. It may be best to leave it until the adjuster sees it."

What I wanted to say back: "Okay, here's a tip on customer service: Instead of using words like "Hmmmm...", "Well," and "might need to be", it'd be better to just cut a loud fart. It's just as rude and, actually, more helpful."

Question: "How soon can the adjuster get here?"

Answer: "We'll have to assign one first, and he'll be calling you by the end of the next business day."

What I wanted to say back: "End of the next business day...okay. By any chance are you guys partnered with my cable company? Because this sounds eerily familiar to when I upgraded to digital cable."

Question: "What about my rental car?"

Answer: "What about your rental car?"

What I wanted to say back: "Answering a question with question. Touche. I'll play along. Can I have your home address and a quick description of your most crippling fear? Here's a two-fer: Do you have kids?"

Question: "I have two jobs, and I now don't have a way to get to either of them. I need a rental car. When can I expect to get one?"

Answer: "Sir, if you go ahead and rent a car yourself, we will re-imburse you for it."

What I wanted to say back: "That's better. Not at all helpful, but better."

Question: "If I don't hear from the adjuster by tomorrow, do I call back at this number?"

Answer: "Sure. Or, you can contact the local agent. They should be able to help you."

What I wanted to say back: "I am concentrating all of my energy and will to the hope that that headset of yours causes a tumor. Please go suck a tailpipe, you poor, pathetic excuse for a combination of carbon molecules."


So, I set out on my quest for a rental car. I got a name and number from my boss with a guy he knew at Thrifty. I set up a reservation online, and called to double-check. They informed me that I needed to put a $350.00 deposit down on a credit card. I checked my bank balance while the operator told me this, and my balance was $345.31. Fortunately, I had my mom's AmEx card number and her permission to use it for this purpose. Then I was informed that the cardholder had to be present at the time of rental. My mom lives four hours away. I could've had my boss tkae care of it for me, but having his name on the payment line would negate my re-imbursement from the "What Are You Calling Me For?" Insurance Agency.

I told the lady at Thrifty that I would call her right back. I called my folks and they offered to wire me some money to take care of it all, and to have it posted on my account immediately so I can get the rental car. Twenty minutes later, I called a friend at work to give me a lift to the car rental place.

When I arrived, the car I reserved wasn't in the parking lot. The lady at the counter said that they were out of that model, and that I was getting an upgrade for no extra charge. I had a choice of a PT Cruiser Convertible (perfect for twenty-degree weather), or the Jeep Liberty.

If I could afford one, I would get one of these Jeep Liberties in a heartbeat. I'm so hoping my car is declared totalled so I could at least entertain the idea of getting something like this thing. It is sooo choice.

Now, I'm gonna go for another drive. I just got home from doing laundry, and now I need to run to the store. I've got unlimited miles on my rental agreement, so I'm thinking Florida. See you guys later!