And now, for the news...

It was a weird news day.

Suspicious devices found all over Boston that sent Homeland security in to full battle mode turned out to be promo materials for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. Note to Homeland Security: Hire more people under the age of thirty! Please go back to your lives as normal folks, or else the Mooninites win.


There are parents threatening to boycott any future Harry Potter movies because Daniel Ratcliffe is doing a play in London where he shows off the little Harry Potter. People, it's a goddamned play. Seats are limited. Unless your pre-teen daughter is begging you for a plane ticket to London, settle the fuck down. You can't blame the kid for wanting to avoid typecasting, otherwise I've got two words for you: Mark Hamill.


A woman in Florida gets raped. While being returned to the scene of the crime, the cops find out about an outstanding warrant for her and arrest her. The emergency room doctor gives her the Plan B pills. She takes the first dose, and was supposed to take the second dose within 12 hours for it to work, but a religious nutjob who works at the jail refuses to allow her to take the second dose. Insult upon insult to injury. That tops any "bad day" story anyone has ever had.

Speaking of which, I've been noticing that the same pro-life zealots putting up the "Birth Control is Harmful" billboards around town are now offering couseling for women who've already had abortions. Great...shame-based therapy.

Of course, shame-based therapy may be the order of the day for this guy. Now, I'm all for making your job a little more fun...but if you're a cop, and you bust a teenage couple for rounding third base in the back seat of their car, you don't offer them freedom in exchange for the girl doing topless jumping jacks! I have never understood the appeal of seeing women doing any form of exercise topless. Breasts are supposed to be admired in slow-motion and in soft focus, preferably with some Marvin Gaye playing in the background. Maybe it's because I came of age on a steady diet of arty and airbrushed, but as Seinfeld once put it, "There's good naked and then there's bad naked."

And, back to Homeland Security. If you're going to the Super Bowl on Sunday, and you're undergoing radiation treatments, you better take a note from your doctor. Cancer patients are setting off dirty bomb detectors. Can't you just picture the crew from the Make-A-Wish Foundation having to deal with this shit? Little eight-year-old Timmy spent his once-in-a-lifetime chance to see the Super Bowl in a holding cell being interrogated by the FBI. It's kinda hard to claim jihad with a zero t-cell count, guys.