Responses I thought of to the greasy guy I saw wearing the hand-written t-shirt that read "Has anyone seen my underwear?"

1. "Oh, how delightfully charming! You must dine with us at the country club tonight."

2. "You lost your underwear here, at the Porter Peach Festival? Do I even want to know how?"

3. "Cocaine is one hell of a drug, huh?"

4. "Did you ask the woman you're hiding in your well?"

5. "Elegance and class personified."

6. "Nice penmanship."

7. "If you love something, let it go."

8. "Have you considered putting up flyers around town? Perhaps an ad up on Craigslist?"

9. "Hey, why don't you ask that family of Puritans over by the corn dog stand?"

10. "No."