Thursday night drunken rant

One thing that I never counted on when I recanted my no-dating pledge a couple weeks ago was the fact that in order for me to go forward, I will have to make peace with my past. There's no going back now...well, there is going back but that would entail chicken-shitting out on my boldest move in the past year: admitting I was a chicken-shit for closing myself off for a year from something that could've made me very happy.

Anyone who knows me knows that I live in the past. Any attempt I've made to flee that past has been a futile effort. Many of my exes are good friends of mine to this very day. I can't dismiss those past experiences because they've made me the man I am today, and I sure as hell can't disregard them today because that is precisely who I am today. These are my friends we're talking about.

And, it's not just past relationships. Memories of my departed father are ever-present for me because I grew up to look exactly like him. Every time I look in the fucking mirror, I'm reminded of him in some way. Not that that's an entirely bad thing. My father was a great guy, loved by all who knew him. He was a great father. Questionable husband, but a good father. And it's his faults as a husband that I've been extra careful not to repeat. The irony is, with that care, that knowledge of what temptations to avoid, in part has led me to being thirty years old, and not only never married, but barely had relationships that outlast the produce in my fridge.

It no longer bothers me that it's unusual to most that I'm still great friends with my exes. The thing I now realize is that, given what they shared with me, they hold anyone who enters my life up to a very high standard. There's some friction that is tough to overcome between the old and the new. And the only way it's been resolved is by the new prospect fizzling out and becoming one of them.

I now have to be determined not to let that happen again. The next person that comes into my life doesn't need to be held to anyone's standard other than my own. And the thing I've learned the most in this past year is that having standards are rather pointless. That's what has fueled my insecurities in every relationship I've ever had. I've bitched and moaned about how "things are great...but..." for years now, and it's that focus on the negative that's gotten me in the most trouble.

How am I supposed to stop this vicious cycle? It could be as easy as telling everyone involved to be nice to one another in hopes that everything will wind up actually being nice. More realistically, I could convince all parties to agree to coexist. Most realistically for long-term happiness on my end: tough love. To not let anyone badmouth or otherwise sabotage my connection with one or the other. I don't respond well to the ultimatum of "it's me or her" because given my inability to make a good decision under pressure, I'd always question whether or not I made the right choice.

And, I have very little patience for being told that I can't have my cake and eat it too. If that cliche ever meant what it's supposed to meant, it's a pretty weak metaphor. Who cares? It's just fucking cake! I'm to a point in my life that having never loved at all is preferable to having loved and lost this many times with so many of the circumstances being the same.

So, to anyone new coming into my life, I must warn you of this: There is a screening process, apparently. I'm not gonna say it's easy or hard, or that you've got to punch your weight, just roll with it. To those on the screening committee, just back off a bit, will ya? Please?