Possible titles for my Master's thesis

Lando Calrissian and the Jungian Archetype: A Study

Feudalism at Breakfast Time: King Vitamin, Cap'n Crunch & Count Chocula

The Legend of Zelda and the Environment or: How I Declared a Nintendo Wii as a School Expense Tax Write-Off

The Effects of Alcohol and Tobacco Use on a Thirty-Year-Old White Male

Stream of Concienceness as a Cure for Writer's Block, Volume One of Twenty

Movie Theater Seats and Their Long-Term Impact on the Human Body

Why Phish Isn't as Good Unless You're Stoned out of Your Gourd

Like I Care: How Sarcasm Can Be Used As a Counseling Tool

Passive Aggressivism and You: A Guide to Living

Why Nothing Works Anymore

Just Flunk Me Now and I'll Try Not to Rub It In Your Face When I'm Rich and Famous and Get Offered an Honorary Doctorate Just for Speaking at Commencement

Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your captions in the comment section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. "I SAID I HOPE YOU HAVE A PLEASANT TRIP TO OMAHA! AND TELL YOUR GRANDMA I SAID HELLO, OR ELSE!"

2. "But I thought bus rides were only fifty cents on ozone alert days!"


The winner of last week's contest will be announced next Monday.


July 16th's contest winner is, well, ME! Because no one else posted a comment, I declare myself the winner with the caption "Psst. Carl. We attack at dawn."

What gives? I was always under the impression that monkeys equaled funny!

Good vibes

It's a strange thing about not dating for a year. Looking back on that lost year, most times I feel I took that vow in vain. However, recent events in my life (details to come in the following weeks) have made me look back on the past year as a valuable learning experience.

For the first time in my life, I'm feeling great amounts of electricity without immediately thinking I've been struck my lightning. I'm able to look at what's happening around me and watch it all unfold with great anticipation and, for once, a level of restraint. Gone are my desires to cut to the chase, and now is the time for me to enjoy the build-up of suspense.

And, I gotta tell you, folks...I'm sitting on a gold mine of good vibes at this moment. My cynicism has been trying to find fault in it, but its quest has proven fruitless. Paranoia, self-doubt and negativity are all being boxed up and thrown in the closet, in all probability, never to be opened again until I clean it all out and throw it away once and for all.

It's a unique and amazing feeling to have the whole world beyond what's right in front of you disappear from view. Out of sight, out of mind as they say. One could meditate for decades and never achieve the peace that moments like this bring. Even back in real time in the real world, I can flash back to those moments and turn the volume of the universe all the way down.

I could go on rambling like this forever, but I really must turn down the volume, and get some sleep.

Things 'bout goin' my way

Things are good. Really fucking good at the moment. I have achieved a level of happiness that makes me want to dare people to knock me off the cloud I'm riding on right now. Even my boss, who possesses the power to suck the joy out of anything at his own will wasn't up to that challenge.

What has caused all this happiness? Lots of things. People are seeing me in a new, exciting and different light, The Blade Runner Final Cut DVD is closer to being released, The Simpsons are in theaters, work is going swimmingly, I'm feeling healthier in mind and body, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The universe has seemed to accepted the fact that it's been shitting on me for quite a while and has sent me a goodie basket with a note attached saying, "I'm sorry."

While I don't feel ten feet tall and bulletproof, I'm certainly a couple inches taller and at least bullet-resistant. The temporary void left in my being when bitterness and self doubt left this past week has now been filled with a confidence that may very well border on cockiness, and the road-block I've put in the way of change in my life has been replaced by a velvet rope with a doorman with a set of fairly lenient requirements for entrance.

Things may not be all aces just yet, but deuces and jokers are wild, so anything is possible. I haven't been dealt an all-in hand yet, but I'm re-raising what's bet against me. See? Even my metaphors are more confident!

More on this as it develops.

If you hadn't rented that billboard, I wouldn't have known what you're trying to tell me!

You know what I like about my friends? Their complete lack of subtlety. Whenever they've got it in their minds to try to talk me into something, I'm surprised they don't follow each sentence with an elbow nudge and a wink that could be viewed from 500 yards away.

All I can manage as a response is to nod and say, "I hear ya'." But what I'm really thinking is, "We should really play poker sometime. With a bluff like that, I could retire on my winnings."

Maybe it was all those years I spent being naive and oblivious to subtle hints while at the same time being stubborn to do whatever someone was trying to talk me into doing...but anyone who has known me for any appreciable amount of time feels the need to break things down into fill-in-the-blank clues for me to solve.

I'm not annoyed by this, nor am I bitching about it. In fact, I find it hilarious!

My biggest temptation in all of this is to do whatever they're trying to talk me into doing, and do it behind their backs for a couple months. Let them all sweat it out and make their hints more and more obvious before I finally tell them, "Oh, that? What do you think I've been doing all this time?"

I know I'm the kind of guy that can't keep his mouth shut about anything, and that this kind of trickery would be a major accomplishment on my part, but the thought of that look on my friends' faces would be priceless.

Happy place

You know tensions are a bit high around the office when you have to explain how calm you are because the other person says they can't tell. I chose the high road and walked back to my office to continue working, while the smartass in me was dying to say, "My heart rate at this moment could be used to calibrate a polygraph machine. You, on the other hand, need to count to ten before your heart explodes."

It wasn't an altogether bad day at the office, but I did have to retreat to my happy place more than a few times. It's nice there. I should invite more people to come there with me.

Every moment feels like Saturday morning, where you're all nice and rested from sleeping in a little bit. There's no rush to change out of your pajamas, there's a fresh pot of coffee and your crossword puzzle is right there on the table along with a freshly sharpened pencil.

Clocks are meaningless. Everything is agreeable. There are no arguments, only civilized debate. Everything is self-cleaning. Your favorite movies are available on demand. The phone has blocked out any and all numbers but your good friends. The art supplies are endless and everlasting. Fine wines and spirits are plentiful and hangover-free. The weather is a balmy 72 degrees and the pool water is warm. Skies are clear and shade trees are everywhere. Nothing is forbidden and everything is free.

Oh, well, back to work.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your caption in the comment section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Trouble brewing. The cutest trouble in the whole wide world, but it's brewing nonetheless.

2. Shouldn't there be a huge pile of pellets behind the bunny?


The winner of last week's contest will be announced next Monday.


The winner of July 9th's contest is Anonymous with the caption: "The great god quetxehzetoxuoqutel returns a virgin with the following note: "You sick bastards! When I said I wanted a virgin, I meant I wanted one I could fuck. I'd have to wait, like 15 years for this one! How about 15 years of no crops you stupid assholes!""

I can wait another couple years to find out how the rest of the story goes

Yesterday, I read only the final chapter of the final Harry Potter book. There, I said it, I know how the story ends. I will post no spoilers here. Suffice to say, I know if Harry lives or not, whether Snape is friend or foe, and not a whole hell of a lot else.

As I posted earlier, I'm waiting to see all of the movies before reading any of the books. I want to go into the films with a fairly fresh mind, and not get bent out of shape over details that got left out or entire subplots being omitted.

So, why did I read the final chapter? Well, the curiosity was killing me. Besides, the final chapter of any book like this that's been touted as the end of the road is only gonna be an epilogue. It's all resolution, and gave very little into what happened in the climax of the story. That way, I'll still be able to fully enjoy the final film in the series...only now, it'll be like the Star Wars prequels. We all knew he'd become Darth Vader, but we really didn't know how he did it. Did that knowledge make the experience any less fulfilling? No. George Lucas's complete dearth of talent in writing dialogue did that, but it was still fun to watch.

When did pissing me off become a carnival game?

My drunken rant on Thursday was written before I had a chance to process it clearly. I spent much of Friday night in reflection of what led to that rant. I reached a certain clarity about it just before going out with a friend for some drinks.

In hindsight, I probably should've stayed home. Because by the end of the night, I found myself getting insulted all over again, for completely different reasons. I won't go into details because just thinking about those details just makes me more upset. Suffice to say, I found myself being defensive about a claim from a person who saw my defensiveness as ample evidence to support her claim...a classic catch-22 situation.

I don't mind being a foregone conclusion in many people's eyes. I've gotten used to that over the years. For example, if I tell you that I'm at home alone on a Friday night, it's a safe assumption that either online poker or a Star Wars movie is involved. What I absolutely hate is the notion that if they're right on one conclusion, that any and all other conclusions that they come up must be true as well. You may be right about the Star Wars, but to then assume I'm freeze-framing Leia in her gold bikini and lighting candles is just wrong. Frankly, I stopped doing that shit years ago.

Please keep in mind, the Star Wars thing is merely an example, not what I'm actually upset about at the moment.

And to make matters worse, when I dispute their claims, I'm always seen as being in denial. Even worse than that, apparently me being angry is "simply adorable". It's at this moment that I sympathize with people who go postal. Oh, how I fear that my last words on this earth, before getting shot dead by a S.W.A.T. team, will be the words, "Am I adorable now, motherfucker?"

I guess my point in all of this is that child psychology has it's time and place. If you insult me, please accept the fact that I'm insulted and try to make up for it. Don't try to smooth things over and prove you're right at the same time. That's like kicking me in the balls, laughing about it, and then offering me an ice pack by throwing it at my crotch.

Responses I thought of to the greasy guy I saw wearing the hand-written t-shirt that read "Has anyone seen my underwear?"

1. "Oh, how delightfully charming! You must dine with us at the country club tonight."

2. "You lost your underwear here, at the Porter Peach Festival? Do I even want to know how?"

3. "Cocaine is one hell of a drug, huh?"

4. "Did you ask the woman you're hiding in your well?"

5. "Elegance and class personified."

6. "Nice penmanship."

7. "If you love something, let it go."

8. "Have you considered putting up flyers around town? Perhaps an ad up on Craigslist?"

9. "Hey, why don't you ask that family of Puritans over by the corn dog stand?"

10. "No."

Thursday night drunken rant

One thing that I never counted on when I recanted my no-dating pledge a couple weeks ago was the fact that in order for me to go forward, I will have to make peace with my past. There's no going back now...well, there is going back but that would entail chicken-shitting out on my boldest move in the past year: admitting I was a chicken-shit for closing myself off for a year from something that could've made me very happy.

Anyone who knows me knows that I live in the past. Any attempt I've made to flee that past has been a futile effort. Many of my exes are good friends of mine to this very day. I can't dismiss those past experiences because they've made me the man I am today, and I sure as hell can't disregard them today because that is precisely who I am today. These are my friends we're talking about.

And, it's not just past relationships. Memories of my departed father are ever-present for me because I grew up to look exactly like him. Every time I look in the fucking mirror, I'm reminded of him in some way. Not that that's an entirely bad thing. My father was a great guy, loved by all who knew him. He was a great father. Questionable husband, but a good father. And it's his faults as a husband that I've been extra careful not to repeat. The irony is, with that care, that knowledge of what temptations to avoid, in part has led me to being thirty years old, and not only never married, but barely had relationships that outlast the produce in my fridge.

It no longer bothers me that it's unusual to most that I'm still great friends with my exes. The thing I now realize is that, given what they shared with me, they hold anyone who enters my life up to a very high standard. There's some friction that is tough to overcome between the old and the new. And the only way it's been resolved is by the new prospect fizzling out and becoming one of them.

I now have to be determined not to let that happen again. The next person that comes into my life doesn't need to be held to anyone's standard other than my own. And the thing I've learned the most in this past year is that having standards are rather pointless. That's what has fueled my insecurities in every relationship I've ever had. I've bitched and moaned about how "things are great...but..." for years now, and it's that focus on the negative that's gotten me in the most trouble.

How am I supposed to stop this vicious cycle? It could be as easy as telling everyone involved to be nice to one another in hopes that everything will wind up actually being nice. More realistically, I could convince all parties to agree to coexist. Most realistically for long-term happiness on my end: tough love. To not let anyone badmouth or otherwise sabotage my connection with one or the other. I don't respond well to the ultimatum of "it's me or her" because given my inability to make a good decision under pressure, I'd always question whether or not I made the right choice.

And, I have very little patience for being told that I can't have my cake and eat it too. If that cliche ever meant what it's supposed to meant, it's a pretty weak metaphor. Who cares? It's just fucking cake! I'm to a point in my life that having never loved at all is preferable to having loved and lost this many times with so many of the circumstances being the same.

So, to anyone new coming into my life, I must warn you of this: There is a screening process, apparently. I'm not gonna say it's easy or hard, or that you've got to punch your weight, just roll with it. To those on the screening committee, just back off a bit, will ya? Please?

My shorted post...ever

The end of my work day pretty much sucked and I don't really want to get into it. Suffice to say, I got home late, sweat-stained, reeking of chemicals and kinda hating my station in life.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your captions in the comment section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. "I used to perform, you know? Yeah, I had the roller skates, the tutu, the little t-shirt that said "Zippy" on it...everything! Now look at me. Christ, I could go for a smoke!"

2. "Psst. Carl. We attack at dawn."


The winner of last week's contest will be announced next Monday.


The winner of July 2nd's contest is Kimmy with the caption: "OOOH Honey...you have been so sweet to me since I had my eyes dialated...you've never kissed me like that before."

Oh, oh, oh, it's magic! You know...

I got up this morning, excited because I was gonna go catch the new Harry Potter at the IMAX. Note to self, pre-order that kind of shit. I got to the theater and it was sold out until the 10:45 p.m. showing, and from what the guy in the booth told me, those shows were all sold out by yesterday morning. So, I opted to see it on the regular big screen instead.

I've been catching a lot of shit from many of my friends because I hadn't read any of the books yet. I tell them that I don't want any preconceived notions before going into the films. Not that I don't want to know what happens, I'm not the kind of guy that avoids spoilers. It's just that the books always have better detail, longer scenes, etc. And I always find myself thinking of that kind of stuff going into the movies and getting disappointed that my favorite parts didn't make it in.

To the best of my recollection, there have been only seven movies that I've seen that I've read the books they were based on before I saw the film. Bonfire of the Vanities is probably too extreme of an example of why I do this. After seeing the movie, I wanted to beat the living shit out of Brian DePalma.

Another would be Stephen King's The Stand. I gave that mini-series the benefit of a doubt seeing as King himself wrote the screenplay. And, I know it was for network TV and it was only eight hours (six without commercials), but still, it could've been soooooo much better. My favorite part of the book was Harold's suicide note, which went into this great little diatribe about how he justified what he did and how he would explain it when he meets his judgment with God. This beautiful piece of writing got shortened to "I was misled." What a fucking cop-out.

I read Dracula when I was just starting my goth phase in my teens. I guess, to be fair, Coppola did the best he could with what he had. I really dug Hopkins and Oldman, but I really want to believe that Keanu and Winona was the decision of the studio heads...dumbasses.

The Lord of the Rings might qualify as a disqualification from this group. Two reasons: A) it had been forever since I last read the books, and B) anything I would've remembered got lost in the massive blocking-out of most memories of my childhood after my father's death. Technically, I was able to go into the movies with a fairly fresh mind.

Great Expectations just flat-out pissed me off. It barely followed the book, the characters names were changed, they set it in modern day and cast Ethan Hawke and Gweneth Paltrow back when both of them were in their "even we don't know why we're popular" phase. I left the theater putting the director on my shit list. That director was Alfonso Cuaron, who later redeemed himself in full with Y Tu Mama Tambien, Children of Men and Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban.

Which brings us back to Mr. Potter. Order of the Phoenix was pretty damned good in my opinion, although not quite up to Azkaban, which is my favorite of the films all so far. I would probably equate Phoenix to Back the the Future II. Fairly solid sequel, but for the most part, a giant set up for the next one; the best two-and-a-half hour trailer for Half-Blood Prince anyone could hope for.

I would go into much more detail about my likes and dislikes of the film, but given the fever-pitch of Potter-mania these days, I'd hate to be inundated with cries that I'm a know-nothing muggle, amongst other things.

Fritschie, killer of pigeons

On my way to a party last night, and there's no gentle way to put this, I hit three birds with my truck. In two separate incidents.

I was driving along, listening to happy swing music on the radio. I had just exited onto Route 66, where there were a few pigeons on the roadway picking at something. Two of them didn't get out of the way in time, and one hit the front edge of my hood and the other hit the windshield wiper (a couple of his feathers are still there).

I couldn't stop because of the traffic behind me. All I could do is turn down the radio and keep driving. I groaned, grumbled, and said "oh, God" a lot. You know, these things happen, and there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do about it other than feel bad.

However, then I turned onto the drive up to the house I was going to, and another frickin' pigeon flew right into my driver's side rear view mirror. Nothing gets you in the mood to party quite like suddenly being crowned the king of the pigeon killers.

It was so much of a bummer that it became laughable.

SNAWU: Situation normal, all weirded up

Last night, I had some friends come in from NW Arkansas, and we all went to see Weird Al Yankovic at the Brady Theater. It was a great show. Even though I kinda lost interest in his stuff for a few years, it was cool to hear some of those songs for the first time live.

Who would've thought that the goofy guy with the accordian who made Eat It would not only be around and at the top of his game nearly 25 years later. Not only that, but that he'd out live and outdo over half of the acts he's spoofed over the years.

I got my tickets later than my friends, so I had reserved myself to the fact that I'd have to sit far away from them for the show. The weird thing is that there were five empty seats next to me, but I didn't inform my friends of this because A) their seats were much, MUCH better, and B) there was a guy sitting next to me double-fisting Budweisers all night, screaming his head off, and had to be asked to settle down about five times by the ushers. I guess there's one at every concert.


This morning was the usual trip to the Farmer's Market, and I spent much of my time in the shade listening to the band, which I found out upon my arrival were my friends Cairde na Gael. Once the market wrapped up, we all went to the Wild Fork for lunch (we were bummed that we missed the breakfast hours). It was expensive, but it was damn good.

Afterward, I walked around Utica Square with Mary and Amy doing a little shopping. They went to the Gap, which this particular store was for women's and kid's clothes only. I joked that to even the score, they had to sit and wait while I shopped at the Hooters gift shop. Then, we went to a couple other shops, cruised by Wild Oats, and then headed home.

Two strange purchases I picked up today: At Walgreen's, they had Elvis-themed Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with Banana cream. I gave it the benefit of a doubt and bought a pack. Turns out the benefit of a doubt was way too generous than it deserved. My first clue that it was gonna be nasty was the fact that they used a picture of Fat Elvis for the packaging. The other thing I picked up, this time at Wild Oats, was some green tea flavored gum. Imagine chewing on a tea bag, only without the gritty texture. Of course, being a pack-a-day smoker, gum for me is generally a breath freshening agent. Green tea gum is probably a huge step in the opposite direction. On the other hand, it's not that bad. Keep in mind, I'm a guy who habitually chewed Black Jack and Beeman's gum for years! Gum so nasty that they only make it once a year!

Now, I'm resting up for a huge party tonight on a ranch outside of Sapulpa. Beer, live music, more beer and a pool. Oh, boy! this is either gonna be really fun, or it's gonna be fun to the point that I'll be embarrassed to talk about it tomorrow.

I don't have enough power, Captain!

This morning it started to rain. Hard. The kind of rainfall that could be misconstrued as a biblical prophecy. I was in the middle of my first job of the day, which involved painstakingly tracing a 20-year-old logo in Adobe Illustrator. With the rain outside getting harder and harder, I went in to save-files-every-ten-seconds mode...I learned my lesson years ago after losing five hours of work when the power went out in the middle of a big project.

I was almost done tracing when the lights went out. My computer was still on, but all the lights in the office were dead. I saved my work immediately, and it finished just in time for the rest of the power to die. I sat in total darkness for about a minute before the lights flickered back on. Three seconds later, all the lights started to strobe. I heard my boss in the other room scream out for a second, and with the strobing lights, I panicked, thinking that he was being electrocuted. Then, the lights were out completely again.

I went back to my office to unplug everything, in case of a surge when they come back on. I then noticed that the other computer in my office was still on. I tried turning my computer back on, but it wouldn't. I freaked out for a second, thinking that I had just fried my computer. As it turned out, our power was only running at 1/3 capacity. Some things worked, most things didn't. All we could do is unplug the sensitive stuff and wait for the electric company guys to come by.

So, I got a couple hours off today. I ran some errands, bought a couple used DVDs and grabbed an early lunch. I got back to work and had to wait a little longer for the power to be fixed. Byt hat time, My boss had some more work for me.


Tonight, I ordered my ticket for Weird Al Yankovic at the Brady Theater tomorrow night. At first, I was a bit worried about the fact that I wouldn't get a seat anywhere near my friends, but as I found out from my friends, they couldn't even get seats next to each other. Our only hope is to have a less than sold out crowd, a few empty seats together somewhere and some lenient ushers. It should be a lot of fun, even though my friends get to see Harry Potter in IMAX 3D in the afternoon while I'm stuck in a meeting most of that time. Stupid job!

A long time ago, only slightly different this time

I was recently re-watching the Star Wars prequels this past week. I know I'm not alone in saying this, but they were good, but could've been so much better. Sure, the special effects were awesome, but that doesn't forgive a crappy storyline. I've been giving this a lot of thought this past week (and off and on for the past few years), and I think I've finally put my finger on what needed to be done to make them all better...dialogue notwithstanding.

These are minor changes, but the ripple effect would smooth out everything throughout the entire trilogy. Let's take them one film at a time:

THE PHANTOM MENACE

1. Better establish the Trade Federation as a threat. In the first couple scenes, we learn that the Trade Federation leadership are spineless cowards who make some pretty piss-poor decisions. If they're really gonna set up a blockade of an entire planet, shouldn't they have more than one ship in orbit around said planet? Perhaps with lots of smaller ships threatening to destroy any ship that even attempts to pass the blockade? That right there would pump up the tension in the opening scene where Qui Gon and Obi-Wan make their approach to negotiate with the Trade Federation leaders. Likewise, when they follow Darth Sidious' orders to kill the ambassadors, they blow up the ship they came in. Hmmmm...is it really wise to blow up a ship in your own ship's landing bay? Why not just force the crew into an airlock and jettison them into space. That way, instead of the sound of an explosion signaling the Jedi that something's wrong, you could have Obi-Wan staring out the window just in time to see the flight crew float past outside the ship. At the same moment, Qui Gon sees the gas coming through the vents.

2. We need a scoundrel in this trilogy. The original trilogy had Han Solo, and at first, you didn't know if he was someone you could trust. We had nothing like this in the prequels. I nominate Obi-Wan. In Empire, Obi-Wan was set up to be a reckless protege, while in Menace, he just comes off as a whiny, insecure smartass who's too quick to cave in to his master's commands. Have him second-guess Qui Gon a few times and try to do things his own way....and fail enough times for him to realize that Qui Gon was right all along. That would punch up the drama as he only realizes this as his master is dying in his arms.

3. Let's face it, Jar Jar needed a complete overhaul. Seriously, he was banished because he was a bumbling idiot?!? No. Drop the accent, lose the clumsiness and change his motivation. The Gunguns wanted to live in isolation from the Naboo. Simply give a backstory that the two societies have been in a cold war for ages, and make Jar Jar the one guy in his society who wanted to bring the Gunguns and the Naboo together. Make his repeated attempts at diplomacy the reason for his banishment. Forced to live on the surface as an outcast, he saves Qui Gon's life when they meet instead of the other way around. That would make the two Jedi a little more willing to follow Jar Jar down to the underwater city, and more compelled to save him from his death sentence from Boss Nass. Plus, as part of the ripple effect, we'd all be spared the fart joke before the pod race and the whole winning the battle by being a clumsy dumbass thing.

4. No R2-D2 and no C-3PO. Having them in Episode I was pointless.

5. Make Anakin five years older. That would A) make his relationship with Padme resonate a little deeper, B) have it make a little more sense that he would be too old to receive Jedi training, C) give his character the added element of teenage hormonal mood swings, D) give him a few more years of experience being a slave, and all the baggage that would bring, and E) heighten the jealous tension between him and Obi-Wan for Qui Gon's attention.

6. Kill the Queen's pilot somehow. Allow Darth Maul to fight his way onto the ship and the pilot gets killed in the melee. While the two Jedi deal with Maul, Anakin takes the helm and flies the ship off the planet, giving us more of what Obi-Wan talked about in Return of the Jedi when he said Anakin was an amazing star pilot when he first knew him.

7. Give Darth Maul more screen time and more dialogue. That would not only make him more of a badass, but would make you root for the Jedi more in the final battle.


ATTACK OF THE CLONES

1. Introduce R2-D2 as Obi-Wan's Astro-droid. No need to make R2 enter the story as hero (sorta) as in Menace, just have him be Obi-Wan's droid. That way, when R2 goes looking for him in A New Hope, he's looking for his old master, as it's said in the film. Plus, with R2 being with Obi-Wan and no C-3PO in the picture, there'll be no witnesses at the Padme/Anakin wedding. Seriously, if it's a secret wedding, why have the only witnesses be the two characters with the sharpest memories possible?

2. Old lovers reunited. As a result of making Anakin older, the relationship with Padme essentially picks up where it left off, with none of that "You'll always be that little boy on Tattooine bullshit. The sexual tension wouldn't be filled with as much confusion, and the love story would have a much faster pace.

3. Give Jango Fett three clones. Two fully grown, and the other would be Boba Fett, still growing. Have Jango and both of the full-grown clones (forget the changeling) be involved in the fight on Coruscant. The two clones die in the fight, and that sets up the idea of the clones by having the Jedi see two identical bounty hunters once their helmets are off. Have one of them have a clue on his person about the cloner's homeworld. That would save us from having to sit through the whole scene in the diner hearing about the cloners from a short-order cook on his break.

4. You could set up a romantic rivalry between Obi-Wan and Anakin with five simple words. After Anakin says, "Just being around her again is intoxicating." Obi-Wan replies, "I know what you mean." Then he goes into his whole thing about the commitment to the Jedi Order. That way, when Padme announces she's taking the ship to go save Obi-Wan, Anakin goes along with the idea because he doesn't want to lose her to his master/rival.

5. Don't show the plans for the Death Star. By that logic, the first Death Star took twenty plus years to build, but they had a second fully armed and operational in the six years between Episodes IV and VI? C'mon!


REVENGE OF THE SITH

1. Have Obi-Wan discover Padme's pregnancy and marriage to Anakin sooner. Have an argument between master and apprentice that leads Anakin to believe that Obi-Wan will expose the scandal to the Jedi council and thus deepen the rift and gave Anakin more incentive to join the dark side, even though Obi-Wan had no intention to do so.

2. When Anakin is given all of the transplants that turn him into the Vader we all know and love, have him go completely apeshit, destroying all of the droids and equipment in the room, but stopping short of destroying the Emperor. Then have him collapse to his knees and fester in his anger rather than the scream out that cheesy "NOOOOOOOOO!" The Emperor quietly chuckles. End scene.

3. Anakin knows Padme is having twins early on. She survives the birth, lets them take Luke away, but seeks refuge on Alderaan with Leia. That way, Leia would actually have some memory of her real mother, as indicated in Return of the Jedi. Anakin still believes Padme and the twins had died. Leia is later adopted by Bail Organa.

4. Have Qui Gon appear in spirit form as Yoda explains the whole bit about communing with fallen Jedi. Watching Obi-Wan discover what he's talking about was just painful to watch.

5. Obi-Wan leaves R2-D2 with Captain Antilles. It is at this time that R2 is introduced to the ship's protocol droid, C-3PO.

6. Final shot. Owen and Beru are staring at the binary sunset holding baby Luke. Zoom out to a somewhat distant hill where Obi-Wan is watching over the new family...Qui Gon in spirit form at his side.

Okay, lesson learned

I just had to flame a good friend of mine on his blog's message board (yeah, I'm that much of a fucking loser), about his attitude towards a particular blind date from his past. And during my diatribe, I got to thinking about my own attitude about dating in general.

A year ago, I took myself out of the game. Looking back on my posts at the time, I had no clue why I was doing it, no clue why I continued to do it, and less of a clue why I'm even entertaining the idea to this day. I told my friend just a few of the things I've learned about taking a year off from dating, and I thought I'd continue the list here.

What I've learned as a result of purposely not dating for over a year:

1. Never take a year off from dating. It's gonna be hard as hell getting back in the game. It's like not paying your taxes for five years then trying to get approved for a mortgage.

2. One of the reasons I got out of the game was because I was tired of chasing women who didn't want to get caught. Fuck that! What I need is someone who'll run by my side at the same speed.

3. Turning down a chance to be with someone because you have a bad self-image is fucking stupid when you realize that that person wanted you in spite of that self image.

4. Sex and love can be mutually exclusive. the former doesn't always mean the latter will follow. Besides, giving up sex altogether can be disastrous. When you find yourself getting turned on my visible pantylines, you need to get laid pronto.

5. Online porn can get pretty lame, and playing free no-risk Texas Hold 'Em is not a reasonable substitute.

6. A lot of things are lame as hell alone: Going to the movies, driving home from a party, going to bed, waking up on a Saturday morning to no alarm, etc.

7. Life is too damned short to be eating microwaved chicken pot pies over the kitchen sink.

8. Likewise, spending a Friday night rearranging the furniture in the living room when no one is coming over any time in the near future is worthy of a severe beating.

9. One should never look his/her cat and wonder, how does he do it?

10. You can only hear people tell you how great of a guy you are before you start to believe it.


So, just to clarify, I'm no longer purposely not dating. Not that I'm gonna be going out with anyone in the immediate future, mind you, just saying that I'm not gonna be dismissing the idea of going out with someone. I've been off the bicycle for a while, and I need to test the theory that you never forget how to ride it. However, just to be safe, I'm putting the training wheels on.

Okay, that was a fucked-up metaphor. Suffice to say that I'm no longer gonna be dismissive, just selective. I'm not gonna go on a first date with the same attitude I have at the craps table. Its not the end of the world if I strike out on the first date, and it's probably not gonna be the be-all-end-all if I score, either. The keys to my success are gonna be a positive attitude, realistic expectations, open mind, level head, no heart on my sleeve, no stone in my chest.

All that being said, odds are I'll be trying internet dating sites within six months. Hey, I said nothing about dropping the cynicism.

My evil side came out to play

I was driving home last night on the Broken Arrow Expressway, and behind my pickup truck there was a guy on a motorcycle tailgating/drafting behind me. He was close enough behind me that I couldn't see his headlight in my rear view. But once we passed under a street light, I noticed that this jackass was also talking on the phone. Not with a headset, not with a Bluetooth, but holding the phone to his head with one hand and steering with the other.

Ordinarily, I like motorcycles. Some of the fondest memories I have of my dad was the old Indian he used to drive around. However, I feel that if you're gonna ride a motorcycle, get a real one...not the crotch rocket this shithead was riding on behind me last night. These are always the assholes that speed past you on the shoulder while your car is stuck in traffic. Oh, how I wish I had the balls to open the passenger door at that precise moment they come along beside me.

And, ordinarily, I'm forgiving of people talking on cell phones while driving. We're all guilty of it at one point or another. However, if you're on a motorcycle, you're not only putting your life, and others' lives at risk...you're also being extremely rude to whomever is on the other end of that phone call. I don't know about you, but I get asked to get out of the wind if the slightest breeze is blowing into my phone's mic, much less 60 MPH wind off the highway.

Anyway, the jackass kept getting closer and closer to my bumper, then he'd back off a bit, then get closer again. All the while, he's still on the damn phone. So, when he backed off a bit, I lightly tapped my brakes, expecting jackass to drop the phone and focus on driving for once. Instead, hequickly wedghed the phone to his ear with his shoulder so he could steer with both hands. He got alongside me and mouthed what I thought was "motherfucker", then sped off.

Telling this story to a friend, she asked what I would've done if he ran into the back of me and went flying over the truck. Sure, I would've felt kinda bad about it, but the proud feeling that I would've helped Natural Selection along a little bit would've outweighed my guilt.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your captions in the comment section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Geez, I made the kid run up and down the pyramid twice and she's STILL not tired!

2. Um...sir? You do know that's NOT how they offered a virgin sacrifice to the Gods back then, right?


Last week's contest winner will be announced next Monday.


June 25th's contest winner was Candace with the caption: "This is my climbing instructor, Lizzo. When he talks, I find it easy to pay attention."

America, Fuck Yeah!

I started off my 4th of July with a walk around the river. I started on my normal route, crossing the 21st Street bridge, cutting over to and across the Southwest Blvd. bridge and back home. However, I got about a third of the way across the 21st bridge before a cop told me the bridge was closed. They were pulling in the big rigs for tonight's fireworks display. They had no signs saying the bridge was closed. All they had was a cop. a cop that didn't notice a guy walking on the bridge until he was about a third of the way across. She made me go back the way I came. So, to make my loop, I had to go to the 29th Street pedestrian bridge and go around that way. Oh, well, another three miles of walking didn't kill me.

Once I was home, showered and rehydrated, I decided to go catch a matinee. I found it easy to avoid seeing Transformers (rot in hell, Michael Bay), and instead saw Live Free or Die Hard. Pretty good flick, even though I was surprised it was PG-13. Apparently you can blow away as many bad guys as you want as long as you do it slightly off-camera and not show any blood unless the guy is still living. All in all, this new Die Hard pales in comparison to the first one, is ten times better than the second, on par with the third, and I hope this is the last one. They kinda blew their wad with the "I'm getting too old for this shit" type gags with this one.

Then, it was off to a cookout at a friend's house. I had lots of food, and enough beer in the humid afternoon heat to make me want another 14-hour nap like last Saturday. Not that I was getting drunk, I was just getting exhausted. I left after a while to make sure that I'd get a decent parking space at my own apartment complex before half of Tulsa swarms on any available parking for the fireworks display.

I walked over to a friend's apartment to catch the fireworks, to which we opted to play selections from the Team America soundtrack instead of the usual John Phillip Sousa fanfare that blares on every radio station in town on just such an occasion. Oddly enough, America, Fuck Yeah and Freedom Isn't Free synced up quite well.

So, now I'm home, letting those last couple Dr. Peppers work their way out of my blood stream, as well as let my asshole neighbors use up the last of their fireworks so I can finally get some sleep.

Happy Birthday, America.

Calling in stinky

I got a call from the landlord last night, letting me know that my downstairs neighbor is having water trickle down through her bathroom ceiling. That was a bit of a kick in the ass to clean up the place in anticipation of the landlord having to come over.

In the meantime, I've been paranoid to take a shower...and with good reason. Apparently, there's a leaky pipe from my shower drain that's causing all the problems. I decided to call in stinky to work and stay at home while the repairs are being done. You know, so I don't come home to a ripped-up bathroom and a missing cat.

I shouldn't have to be here much longer. It sounds like it's only gonna be that one pipe that needs to be replaced. Then, I can finally take a shower and get to work just in time for my boss to kick everyone out early for the holiday.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your captions in the comment section below

Here are mine for the week:

1. Never volunteer to play "seven minutes in heaven" at a barn dance.

2. A little John Tesh at Red Rock, a splash of oat scented cologne, light some candles, some rose petals scattered around the stable, and see where the night takes you...


The winner of last week's caption contest will be announced next Monday.


June 18th's winner is Anonymous with the caption: Get that cat outta here!

My 14 hour nap and the vampire peacock

Yesterday wasn't too exhausting given what I did all day. I walked through the farmer's market for a few minutes, then drove out to the new Apple Store to check it out. Fortunately there was an Orange Julius across the hall from the Apple store because drooling over all the new Macs left me a little dehydrated.

I had planned to go catch a matinee of Ratatouille with Colleen, Britt and the kids, but we decided not to because a couple of them were coming down with migraines. I tried to convince them that the Dolby Digital sound system would be good for them, but to no avail.

So, I headed back home and made myself some dinner. I'm not sure which ingredient was the culprit, but by 8 o'clock, I was feeling all sorts of funky. I made the decision to take a quick nap before heading down to the Mercury Lounge to meet my friends, but whatever my dinner was doing to me made it impossible to wake up.

I woke up this morning around 10:00 feeling much better. So much better, I went for a hour-long walk down by the river, where I sweat out the last of the sickness that incapacitated me the night before. Now, I'm showered, dressed, and ready for the rest of my day. However, the siren song of the internet had me entranced.

I played a few quick hands of Texas Hold 'Em, then surfed my usual sites. On CNN, I found this article:

Man Pummels Vampire Peacock

NEW YORK (AP) -- A peacock that roamed into the parking lot of a Burger King in New York City was beaten by a man who insisted it was a vampire.

Animal control officials in Staten Island say the bird was beaten so fiercely that most of its tail feathers fell out and it had to be euthanized.

The seven-year-old male peacock wandered into the restaurant parking lot and perched on a car hood last week. Charmed employees had been feeding it bread when the man appeared.

A restaurant worker says the man grabbed the bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started stomping it. She says when he was asked what he was doing, he responded, "'I'm killing a vampire!"'

Employees called police, but the man ran when he saw them.



That is a story so weird that I'm surprised I didn't experience it first-hand.