It's frightening how calmly she can talk about these things...

I got home from work today to find Candy taking a nap. I can't remember how the typical "how was your day?" conversation went into a discussion about our relationship, but it was kinda overdue.

I expressed with her what has been bugging me about the diagnosis and what's been bumming me out over the past few days. She said that inevitably that me wanting kids would become an issue one day, and that she would then tell me to go find someone else. Long story short, I got offered a get-out-of-jail-free card. I told her flat out that I love her and I'm not gonna let this be a catalyst for a break-up.

As much as I hated to talk about a hypothetical break-up scenerio, she assured me that if it were to happen that we would be friends. I've heard this before, most often by women that would rather set themselves on fire than ever speak to me again. However, if this were to happen between Candy and I, smart money's on this prediction coming true. We came together as two whole people, we love each other dearly, and any kind of split wouldn't be any big catastrophe. We would survive. That doesn't change the fact that I DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN.

There are a lot of thing I want in life, but that doesn't mean I can ever have them. At this point in my life, having kids is equal to owning a Tuscan villa. The chances are remote, and it may happen one day, but I'm not gonna be ready anytime soon.

While we were laying all the cards out on the table, I went ahead and confessed that I've been smoking again. She wasn't too shocked by this. Besides, with what I've been putting myself through, as unneccesary as it may have been, it's a wonder I haven't started mainlining heroin directly into my eyeball.

Fortunately, tonight is my night at Arnie's, and that means enough mind-numbing alcohol I can take, just to sober up and head home.

No pic tonight, but I will have more soon.