ugh.

Another night of intermittant sleep. It wasn't nightmares this time, but a sense of dread about having nightmares. Is it possible that my sub-conscience has lapped itself?

I woke up feeling like shit, and it continued for most of the day. I really didn't want to deal with anybody today, but I cleverly disguised my contempt as sly sarcasm. Rather than give into the temptation to tell everyone to fuck off, I just let the zingers fly. Fortunately, they all laughed instead of taking swings at me.

Deep down, I wanted to pick a fight with the biggest, baddest biker I could find, I wanted to drink until I collapsed, I wanted to smoke and entire carton of cigarettes and clean out the buffet at Cici's then spend an hour on the Tilt-A-Whirl. I wanted to do anything I could to have a physical reason for feeling so shitty.

When this kind of malaise hits me, I naturally want to figure out why I felt like this. Most of it stems from the Candy situation, while some of it was sleep deprivation. The rest is just my clinical depression, what I call my I'm-only-happy-when-it-rains factor.

To me, living with depression is like living in a trailer. If you live there, it's pretty much all you have. So, when a tornado comes along, your choices are limited:

1.) You can go the medication route, which is like having a stranger tow the trailer to another state and not tell you where it's going. You don't know how you're gonna react, you just hope you can adapt to the new environment.

2.) You can ride out the storm, huddled in the dark closet the whole time.

3.) Or you can run, and deal with the aftermath when you come back.

Number two is the one I'm most comfortable with, if you can call it that. I know the clouds will clear away eventually, and I consider myself fortunate that I have plaenty of friends who'll let me drone on and on about the weather and not judge me for it.

The pic says it all