Onwards and upwards

"Peaks and valleys." That's what my mother always told me when I'd start telling her about my troubles in life. I've seen my fair share of valleys...spiritually, romantically, financially, etc. I've even been in a few deep trenches, canyons and crevices, but I've never really known the peaks she's spoken of until very recently.

For most of the past year, I've been standing at the base of a tall cliff. I knew this was the end of the valley, but to reach the top I'd have some climbing to do. No rope, no harness, just my bare hands and lots of friends and family cheering me on. Well, after climbing for a while, I've found a path at a shallow incline that will alow me to stride casually for a while.

For the new year that is coming in just a few hours, I intend to take my time and enjoy the view on the way to the top of the peak, installing handrails along the way to keep me and those who come after me from falling back into the valley.

This is my thirtieth new year, and at my age, it's acceptible to not believe in resolutions. Any great change in my habits and my ways will come naturally and not because it coincides with changing the calendar on the wall. Financially, my plans are already in motion. Spiritually, I'm already in check. Romantically, I'm open to whatever happens next, but I'm not gonna force the matter because that's what has gotten me in so much trouble thus far.

All I need to worry about me is the path before me. I'm free to move at my own pace, and that's what I plan to do. Onwards and upwards.

Political cures that may be worse than the disease Vol.5: Death penalty

Say what you will about the war in Iraq, but the judicial system they've got going on over there makes ours pale by comparison. We've got guys that have been on death row for years, while Saddam Hussein gets his death sentance carried out in record time. Four days ago, they say he could be executed within 30 days. Earlier today, they say he could be hanged before the weekend's out. I look on CNN five minutes ago and he's dead.

In the wake of an incident last month where a lethal injection might have been done improperly, leading to an inmate taking over thirty minutes to die, many states are suspending all executions in order to review the whole process.

Now, I personally don't believe in the death penalty. To me it seems like an all too easy way out. Most people nowadays that are wind up on death row have such disregard for human life that they could give a rat's ass if they die themselves. And the fact that in this country, we have reduced the execution of the execution to a clean, clinical procedure, so much so that they give the condemned an alcohol swab...you know, to prevent the risk of infection, that it lessens the impact of the whole thing.

The whole point of the death penalty was stictly frontier justice. An eye for an eye. Punishment should fit the crime. However, if a guy hacks up an entire family with a machete, the punishment he receives from the state is one shot of painkillers and one shot of poison. How is that supposed to be a deterrant to crime? I know we're trying to act all humane about it, but the fact remains, you're killing a guy!

Like I said, I'm personally not for the death penalty, but I also believe that if you're gonna do something then you shouldn't pussy-foot around and just do it. If the punishment should fit the crime, then the manner of death should match the manner of the initial killing.

Take Timothy McVeigh, for example. He killed 169 people in the Oklahoma City bombing. If the punishment was to fit the crime, shouldn't he have been chained up in the basement of a controlled building demolition? There are some states that sentence people to death for drug dealing. Shouldn't the punishment respectively be slow overdose? Child molestation? Bleeding to death from anal tearing. Imagine Jeffrey Dahmer forced to benihana himself as his last meal. If you're gonna kill someone, get serious, or at least get creative about it.

Criminals aren't gonna stop committing viscious crimes if they know that if they get put to death that A) they won't feel a thing when it happens and B) they'll have cable TV while they wait for it.

I'm not saying we should outright abolish capital punishment, but let's be realistic here. Prisons are overcrowded, and having people stay in jail until they die of natural causes is a tremendous strain on the state budget. Once all appeals are used up, here's what I suggest:

1. Place each inmate in their own, private 6X6 cell with only a mattress, a toilet and a sink...and no human contact for the first two months. They get fed through a hole in the wall by machine.

2. After the first two months are up, we give them something to read: Court transcripts from their trial, illustrated with crime scene photos.

3. Two more months pass, and then we give them a TV, and the only thing they have to watch are testimonials from the victim's families. They can't turn the TV off and it's on a perpetual loop.

4. In another month, if they haven't cracked the TV open and slit their wrists with the broken glass, we offer them a cyanide tablet.

5. We leave them alone for a while to think things over. We gradually dim the lights a little more each day, so that by the end of the next month it'll be completely dark. If they haven't offed themselves in that time, we transfer them to a larger cell with no lights, and all of the other prisoners that have made it this long to keep them company. Then, maybe they'll just take turns killing each other.

Cruel and unusual, I'll admit, but I'll be willing to guarantee the friends and families of the victims wouldn't lose any sleep knowing these criminals are suffering a small portion of the fear the victims experienced in their last moments.

That last fifty dollar gift card

After getting off work, I ventured out to cash in the last gift card I had from Christmas. It's a fifty dollar Visa debit card from my boss, so I could pretty much use it anywhere. Sure, it says Simon Malls all over the damned thing, but the fine print on the back says it could be used anywhere Visa is accepted.

For once, in a gift card situation, I went out with a plan. I spent most of the day thinking about what I was gonna go out and buy. Something I either really need, or something I have kinda wanted and needed for a while, but didn't want to shill out the cash for at the time. Then it hit me: I need a new watch. The last one I got was about two years ago...not counting the Star Wars watch I got a Burger King (hey, it was a limited time offer, and they just happened to have one Obi-Wan/Darth Maul watch left).

Sure, I could've gone for sheer practicality; gotten some cheap off-brand one like Rulex or Amega that, while is does display the correct time, the digital display might not have enough power to display all the numbers properly. The screen might go a bit dim whenever an 8 appears. The alarm isn't so much of a programmable reminder as it is just a random faint beeping that sounds like a pager going off a block and a half away. Perhaps a watch that for some reason has the year irreparably set to the Chinese calendar. Or maybe one that actually has the words "water soluble" in tiny print on its face.

Instead, I decided to go for the big kahuna. The one behind a protective glass counter. The one with the price tag neatly tucked away between the back of the watch and the little plastic stand it's on. The one that gets placed back in a nice little tin can with cool printing on it. The kind of watch I've never had in my entire life.

My first stop was Dillards, and I didn't find anything there I really liked but didn't feel guilty for looking at it without an invitation. I did rather fancy some of the Fossil watches they had, but the amount they were asking for was a little out of my price range, even with a fifty dollar gift card cushioning the blow.

I made my way to Penney's, Macy's, even the Sunglass Hut and nothing really caught my eye. Since I was in the neighborhood, I cruised over to Best Buy, momentarily considering just blowing the fifty bucks on DVDs. After some arguing with myself, I headed home thinking I'll try this again some other time.

Then, I came by Sears on my way home, and gave their watch selection a try. Hell, I still had six bucks or so left on another gift card that I could use there to spread out the savings. They didn't have any of the cool Fossils that I saw at the other places, but one did catch my eye there.

I remember about a year ago when I was at my brokest, I was at Moody's Jewelry with a friend of mine and I found myself drooling over this one Fossil watch they had there. If I could've afforded it at the time, I would've bought it on the spot. It was a traditional watch, just a standard analog timepiece, but the face of it was a trippy LCD display of a dragon with animated flames all around it. A couple months later, when I actually had som money to burn, I found that the watch had been sold, and a quick check online told me that they had discontinued that model. I was a bit heartbroken.

However, in the Sears display case, there was a watch almost identical to that watch I had seen back then. It wasn't a Fossil, but it was damned close, both in style and in brand name: Relic. Without even thinking about how much it might cost, I had the lady behind the counter bag it up for me.

The good news, it was only sixty bucks. The bad news was I didn't have the six dollar Sears card on me. Even more bad news, the fifty dollar Visa card didn't work on their system. So, I just bought the damned thing with my own money. I've got money now, so what the hell.

Now I've got a kick-ass new watch, and hopefully still have fifty bucks in plastic that I can spend elsewhere. I may have to go to Woodland Hills Mall to use it, but who knows? I might find something worth the time and energy to go all the way out to South Tulsa for.

Best movies of 2006

I might have to update this list this weekend, because I intend to catch a couple flicks during the holiday.

Best sequel: Clerks II
Only twice in my life have I gone into a movie filled with equal parts high hopes and great fearand left extremely satisfied. The first time was with Richard Linklater's Before Sunset, the second was with Clerks II. Both instances were sequels to indie films that held a special place in my heart, and neither of them really needed a sequel. They both ended on rather ambiguous endings, leaving you to wonder what happened to the characters next, but not really wanting to see what happens. Life goes on as the message goes. Kevin Smith managed to satisfy my appetite for his brand of crude humor, while not skimping on the deeper, underlying meaning he does so well. Besides, Pillow Pants is worth the price of admission alone.

Best Pseudo-Sequel: Superman Returns
The goal with Superman Returns was to make a film that could stand alone as well as serve as a sorta-sequel to Superman 1 & 2...I'm more than willing to block out 3 & 4. There isn't another story that a filmmaker could pull this kind of trick with. Bryan Singer perfectly balanced the backstory, giving the uninitiated all they needed to know without boring those of us that know the whole story forwards and backwards. I'm thankful that the film was just enough of a hit to warrant the sequel they're making now. I would've loved seeing how great this film would've done if Pirates hadn't come out so close to it.

Best Re-Imagining: Casino Royale
Like any series that gets a little too long in the tooth, the only way to survive burnout is to go back to the beginning. Daniel Craig knocked it out of the park as a new, unexperienced Bond. He's not nearly a suave as we're used to, nor is he the cold-as-ice assassin we've seen in the past, and that works as a great benefit.

Best Comedy: Little Miss Sunshine
I hear a lot of people calling this film overrated now, but I absolutely loved it. Great characters, great story, great writing, and great laughs. I caught it at an advance screening, before the word of mouth really caught on, so it hit me without warning. A pleasant surprise.

Best Sci-Fi: A Scanner Darkly
Richard Linklater lost a lot of credibility in my book when he re-made Bad News Bears, and A Scanner Darkly redeemed him. What better way to make a film about futuristic drug culture than to make the whole movie look like a drug trip. Sure, I got vertigo leaving the theater and it took me about twenty minutes to re-adjust to reality, but that's just a small testament to the power of this movie. No other movie has sucked me in to the point that I lose my sense of the real world like that.

Best Stoner Flick: Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
I so wish I was high when I saw this. I laughed my ass off just fine without enhancement, though.

Best reason not to lose all faith in Disney: Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
Let it be said that 99.9% of everything Disney puts out is absolute crap. Pirates proves that .1% can go a loooong way.

Music, movies and introspection

Tonight, after work, I stopped by Target to cash in a gift card, and take advantage of some of the after-Christmas savings. It appears that half of Tulsa had the same plan. Pickings were rather slim, but I picked up a tuner for the guitar, a couple of DVDs, a shirt and a jacket.

Once I was home, I tuned the guitar and attempted to learn my first chord. Three more chords and I should be able to join any of the bands I hear on 104.5.

Two things concern me at this point: 1) I never realized just how tender my fingertips were, but if I keep it up, I should form the calluses needed to play the guitar correctly. and 2) maybe I'm just a clumsy beginner, but my fingers may be to stubby to play guitar. Attempting an A chord, I looked a palsy victim.

I popped in the first of the two DVDs, Fahrenheit 9/11 and it wouldn't register on my DVD player. I smell a conservative conspiracy plot here. I tried it about ten times, but nothing. So, I put in the other DVD, Clerks II. I watched it with one of the commentary tracks, and I was a bit disappointed. Usually, Kevin Smith's commentary tracks are funnier than the movies themselves, but not this time. I'll give the other commentary track a shot before I give up all hope.

I remember posting about this time last year about reaching the elusive square two, instead of constantly finding myself back at square one. Today, I had time to reflect and let it sink in that I'm now debt-free. I'm labeling this time in my life square three.

Many new adventures await me. On the other hand, while watching Man Vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel, I'm reminded that I gotta take baby steps. You won't see me air-dropping into the Alps anytime soon, folks.

A brighter future

I can breathe again. I have negotiated a deal with my parents that takes care of a great majority of the probelms I've had over the past six years.

In lieu of taking the settlement money from the insurance company, I have signed it over to pay off my debt consolidation loan and buy the pickup truck from my folks, under the condition that they'd buy it back from me a year from now. I now have no loan payment and no car payment, and the ability to finally put money in savings.

A great weight has been lifted. I've been living paycheck to paycheck for six years and have barely been able to keep my head above water. Now, I can pay my bills without having to rub a nickel on the check's magnetic strip (causing the bank to run it by hand and have it take 2-3 days longer to clear). I can have two paychecks a month that go directly in the bank. I can deposit money into savings without having to withdraw it within two weeks to pay for something else.

My goal now is to put aside at least four grand by the end of 2007. By then, I will look for my next vehicle and make plans to get it at an excellent price. Sure, I'll have to drive a big, ugly pickup truck in that time, but it'll be paid for, damn it!

My christmas haul was very literary, having picked up four books that I really look forward to reading. My brother gave me his old acoustic guitar to borrow for a while. I figure I'll test my here-to-fore dearth of musical talent and prove myself wrong.

This could possibly be my best christmas ever.

From limited options to infinite possibilities

This time yesterday, I was unsure of what I was gonna do about the car situation. I wasn't expecting much money from the insurance company, I was planning to drive my folks' pickup truck for a couple months and put some money aside for a down payment on a new (to me) car.

But I got a call from my stepdad, saying he had just gotten off the phone with the insurance company and talked them out of a huge chunk of money. My stepdad has a real talent for this kind of thing. I wouldn't be surprised if he could get the government to pay him $20,000 a year not to grow corn...and he doesn't own a farm.

So, after paying off the bank note, I've got infinite possibilities. I've managed to narrow it down to five:

1. Drive the pickup for a few months and narrow down exactly what kind of car I want, and make a huge down payment, keep paying off the debt-consolidation loan as planned.

2. Find an old clunker that I can buy outright, pay larger payments on the debt loan, and be out debt that much sooner.

3. Pay off the debt loan, drive the pickup for a few months and save up money for a down payment.

4. Split the money in two, put half towards the loan and half towards the down payment.

5. Vegas, baby, VEGAS!!!


We should be able to figure it all out this weekend. My aunt will be here in about an hour and a half to take me to Little Rock, so I'll be signing off from the blog for a couple days.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

My personal predictions for 2007

One year from today, I will revisit this post and see how many of these predictions had come true. These are not really goals, because a lot of what follows will be, for the most part, beyond my control. However, I will be focusing my energies towards the universe, willing these things to happen:

I will fully pay off the loan from my parents to cover my credit card debt.

I will have a new car that will be in my name, on my credit, and payments will be made on time.

I will live in a new apartment, with good landlords, and it will feel like home.

I will overcome my relationship issues (shyness, bitterness, fear, willingness to ignore severe problems in hope they'll simply go away, etc.) and find a new love.

I will be more active in my community to raise awareness of the crazy fucknuts our citizens have elected into office and hopefully sway the vote enough to ensure they do not get re-elected.

I will take steps to hone my talents in writing, design and art, and make a name for myself in those fields.

I will invite more people into my life and my home (i.e. throw a few parties)

I will stop being so negative.

I will raise my credit rating.

I will be more inspired.

I will be unflappably happy at least one full day and for a large portion of most other days.

I will spend more time with long- and short-lost friends and family.

I will live up to the words of Alison Krauss that were quoted to me in a birthday card a couple years ago by a friend; I will be "loved my many, hated by none."

My boredom knows no bounds

Surfing through a number of websites I frequent, one of the links I found was the number pi displayed to over four million decimal places. Not having anything else to do, I copied and pasted the number into TextEdit, replaced the numbers 0-9 with the letters of my my first initial and last name (DFRITSCHIE), and did a search to see if how many times my name would come up.

DFRITSCHIE = 0 times
FRITSCHIE = 0 times

As if I needed any sign that I should be doing something better with my time, I did a search for the word SHIT...855 times.

I need a girlfriend...bad.

Sarcastically clairvoiyant

When my car was crashed a couple weeks ago, I joked that I halfway hoped it would be totalled. Today, at lunch, I got the phone call that it was, officially, totalled.

Last Friday, while reviewing a proof with a client on their roster program, and discussing the problem of a blank half-page in the "In Memoriam" section...I joked that I could either space out the copy or we could see if someone died in the next week. Last night, someone, indeed, died.

My point is, my sarcasm is 2-2 in predicting the future. I'm willing to add that it would be really funny if I were to take out fifty bucks and proceed to hit the jackpot at the casino.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Great turnout last week, guys. Here's this week's pic. Post your captions in the comments section below.

Here is mine for the week:

1. You gotta love the optimism. The sewer backs up, flooding the basement, and they throw a party!


Last week was a tough one to narrow down. I guess the monks had it coming. Kudos to OCMF with the Otis Redding parody. Likewise to Anonymous with "Waterproof Monk". However, if I must to choose a winner, it would have to be Ooga-Booga with the caption: "Sure, they look peaceful now, but just wait until they take on the jesus camp kids from across the lake at the volleyball tournament next week."

Please tell me that's a silver lining I'm seeing

I got a phone call from the body shop today. The initial estimate of $5,000 will need to be ammended to close to $7,000. According to Kelly Blue Book, my car in top notch condition is worth six grand at best. So, in a couple days, I'm expecting the insurance company to make the call and declare my car completely totalled.

You'd think I'd be screwed in this manner, but I've got a few rays of hope. My folks have a truck they'll let me drive until I find the right new car. My aunt may be able to pick me up on Saturday and drive me to Little Rock on her way from Norman. If not, my folks have offered to fly me down there. Either way, I won't have to worry about a car if mine gets totalled.

More good news if that happens: I won't have a car payment for a while, so I can easily afford a better apartment, plus I'll have a truck to move all my stuff with. And, when I need to get a new (to me) car, I can enlist the help of my stepbrother, who deals in wholesale cars. Everything's seemingly coming up Fritschie.

Gosh, I'm popular!

Four parties in two days. In the past 24 hours, I've ran the whole spectrum of alcoholic beverages. Beer, wine, egg nog, hard cider, hard liquor...I'm surprised my body hasn't rejected my own liver at this point.

One thing I just realized is that none of the four parties had mistletoe. Not that any of the parties were exactly Christmas-themed, but I was kinda missing the thrill of possibly getting a little smooch action. Oh, well...there's always New Year's.

I've had this nagging feeling that something big is on the horizon for me. And I mean something good, because God knows I've had some pretty fucked-up shit happen to me in 2006. I'm due, and the universe knows it.

The reason I have this feeling is because I've gained the perspective I need to allow this kind of thing to happen. I don't really give a shit if it happens to me or not. Not that I've given up all hope, it's just that I know that I'll be just fine without it. The philosophy on gambling now applies to the rest of my life: I only risk that which I am not ready to live without.

So, I can go into 2007 with a renewed sense of self. Rewards will be greatly appreciated, and losses are nto gonna be a big deal. I've got air in my lungs, I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush...now, all I need is a ship and a star to sail her by.

General bitching

My day at work Friday was a bit crazy. I screwed up on a job, big time. It was delivered, and it was discovered that a lot of the changes I made to the final proof didn't make it onto the final piece. I don't know how it happened, but it did, and it was all my fault for not checking the printing plates before sending it out to the press. We got it fixed in record time, but everything I did that day to try and make up for the mistake was not greeted as such. After a while, I just gave up trying.

Last night, I worked the door at Arnie's, and it was fairly uneventful. Around 1:00, I saw a group of kids being turned away from the bar across the street. They then turned towards Arnie's, but before they got halfway across the street, they saw me with a "Oh, don't even try it, kids" look on my face, and they changed direction. Hell, I have clothes older than these guys, and it didn't help that one of them was wearing his high school letterman jacket, and another kid was wearing his hat backwards. I'm sorry, but unless you're under the age of 11, or a catcher, wearing your baseball cap backwards just isn't allowed in normal society.

Today, I went to do laundry, and discovered a new reason to hate the rental car. As I was loading my clothes in the back and closing the back door, a sharp edge of the door caught the pocket of my favorite jacket, and tore a huge hole in it. My green suede jacket, ruined.

Today, I began my plans to find a new apartment. When I pay my rent on the first, I'm putting in my notice with the landlord. That'll give me until mid-January to find a place and the rest of the month to move. I'm thinking about demanding my entire security deposit back - seeing as this place now looks twenty times better than when I moved in - or else I'll sic every goverment agency I can to investigate their properties, their business practices, etc. Then, even when I get the deposit back, I'll report them anyway.

Besides, I did a Google search on the landlord, and discovered several court dockets, complaints, TV reports and an "extremely unsatifactory" rating with the Better Business Bureau. I gotta get out of here before it's too late.

My search parameters for my next place shouldn't be too difficult: $400 a month maximum, building-code-abiding landlords, off-the-street parking, must accept pets, East of the river, West of Yale Avenue, North of 11th and South of 41st. Hell, I may be flexible on noisy neighbors and high crime rates, just as long as I'm not having to deal with unreasonable bullshit from the landlord. There's bound to be something within those 27 square miles that meets those criteria.

My favorite comedic creations from conversations I've had over the past ten years with my friends

Yoder: Yoda's backwoods country cousin

Mittens, the housepet osprey

Unneccessarily surly Kenny Loggins

Bruce the gay alligator

CSI Barney Fife

The head manager of PANTERA Bread Company

The permed skunk

Hannibal Lecter: Wal-Mart Greeter

Slim-Fast Buddha

Jasper, the timid necrophiliac

Law and Order - Animal Control Unit

Cake pie: Baking cake mix in a pie crust

Pope Dickhead XVI

Godzilla's job interview at Taco Bell

Slap-fight Club

Sparky the frustrated, loudmouth mime: "I'm in a box, you dumb bastard!"

Pulp Fiction Cereal

The loud guy from the Oxy-Clean commericals trying to pick up chicks at a bar

Bob Ross reacting badly to the art supply store being out of forest green

The disembodied floating asshole

The greasy, asthmatic cat

Jesus' eHarmony profile

Mr. Reuben Sandwich

Elvin Dresley - Elvis' fed-up neighbor

Playskool's My First Huka

Pabst "Participant" Ribbon - Even cheaper because it's unfiltered

The White Light Special (a.k.a. the "Code Blue) - Double sausage cheeseburger with bacon, fried like a Monte Cristo, topped with chili, cheese, white gravy, more cheese, brown gravy, more bacon, more cheese and powdered sugar.

Celine Dion's Mein Kamph

At last, we have results!

Last night, I slipped a note under dumbass girl's front door telling her to call her insurance company. This was to be my final hurdle to overcome to get my car into the shop and have the insurance company take care of it.

Today around noon, I called the insurance company to get the ball rolling. My claims handler was not at her desk, and I was in no mood to leave a voice mail. So, I decided to go over her head and try her supervisor. Dialing 0, I discovered that this company has sunk to a whole new low in customer service. The phone rang twice, and I heard, "You've reached the operator. No one is available to take your call, but if you leave your name..."

Son of a bitch. I got the operator's voice mail! How fucking pathetic is that!

I hung up. I waited until 3:00 and called the handler back. I finally got answers to my questions. They told me that it'd be about 14 business days to fix my car, which might take longer considering that I told the body shop that I wanted factory parts only, and that is not negotiable. They are gonna pay for my rental car, but they refuse to pay for the insurance on it. I told them that we'd have to agree to disagree on that one. Seeing as it's illegal to drive without insurance on a vehicle, and that I wouldn't be in that rental car if it weren't for someone plowing into my car while it was parked, and the fact that I'm not feeling particularly lucky at this point in time, they're paying for it all, even if I have to take them to court.

So, my car's in the shop, and by all accounts so far, it'll be there until after new year's. This may put a kink in my plans for Christmas. I may have unlimited miles on the rental car, but I don't trust it enough to go out of Tulsa, much less to Little Rock. We'll see about it later.

Monday Night Caption Contest

If it's Monday, it must be captions. Post your captions in the comments section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. Tibet and Milwaukee are thousands of miles apart, but they do have a lot in common. Tibet means the best inner peace money can't buy, and Milwaukee means beer.

2. "I know I'm supposed to renounce all material goods and all that, but when is Xang gonna get back here so I can 'be one' with the jet ski?"


The winner of last week's caption contest was Anonymous (seriously, folks, give me a name here), with the caption: "You see what this evil tile has done to my hand? You have your orders, soldier! Lose temper NOW!"

This week's winner was judged solely by the fact that the poster noticed the other guy's bandaged hand. I was wondering if anyone was gonna notice that.

More car shit

My car is still sitting where it was crashed. The insurance company that is responsible for repairing it is refusing to answer any more of my questions until they have a chance to hear from their client, the dumbass girl that hit my car. My insurance company advises me that they cannot do anything until her insurance company flat-out refuses to pay.

Dumbass girl came home this afternoon while the adjuster was looking at my car. I knocked on her door, but she didn't answer. This evening after I got home, I left her a note to call her insurance company as soon as possible. I informed her that they only accept so many unanswered phone calls before they absolutely refuse to pay for anything...then the lawyers get involved.

I cannot even get my car in line to be repaired until this girl calls them back. I can't even get a straight answer over whether my rental car cost will be reimbursed. The adjuster told me today that they can't give me an exact estimate until they can get it in the shop and take it apart. I can't get it into the shop because this chick picked one hell of a time to screen her calls.

I'm kinda hoping this gets thrown to the lawyers. Sure, it'd be a loooong, drawn out process, but I want blood at this point. I wanna walk out of that courtroom with a check and the knowledge that that girl will not only have to pay triple on whatever insurance she has to get from here on out, plus the idea that her wages will be garnished and that bankruptcy won't save her, but also the smug satisfaction that her insurance company will have to pay a guy who wasn't just uninjured, but nowhere near the car at the time of the accident. If it goes that far, They're gonna wish I was strapped to the bumper of my car when it happened.

I've gotta try this someday

I found this on Donovan Freberg's blog:

"I was speaking to a friend of mine who has the peculiar misfortune of working for Starbucks about an article I saw in the LA Times about the various ways customers customize their latte. Apparently there is a complex code that the employees follow to keep track of custom orders. He casually mentioned that he had come up with a drink that was completely within Starbucks guidelines and drinkable, but which took no less than fifteen minutes to make, and which necessitated the trashing of almost a quart of milk just to make the one drink.

My ears instantly perked up. I asked if anyone had ever ordered it, and he explained that no one had, but if they did, the manager would assign a standby person to make it so the rest of the store wouldn't be held up. My ears perked up again. What would happen if one person at each register ordered one? And if the people following them in line said, Hey! That looks good...l think I'll have one too. And what if this was in the middle of morning rush hour???

Total chaos was the answer. He claims that with this drink order, nine people could incapacitate a Starbucks for nearly an hour. The drinks would be more than the average latte, but would cost much less than the labor and materials it took to make them.

And the Order Of Doom is called:

Quarter-caf, Quad Three-Decaf-Luongo One-Ristretto Grande-in-double-Venti wax-paper, Two-pump-hazelnut, One-pump-sugar-free-vanilla, half-pump-Irish Creme, Quarter-Percent, Quarter-Soy, Half-Heavy-Whipping-Cream Breve, Half-pack-Sweet-and-Low, Quarter-pack-Equal, Two-and-a-third-Honey, One-Raw-Sugar, Light-Extra-Foam, Thick-Whole-Foam, No-Whip, Six-ice-cube, 186-degree, Caramel Sauce-top-and-bottom, three-pump-Ebony, Mocha Valencia Macchiato

Translated into English:
Three quarters of the total espresso is decaf, four shots total: 3 of which are manually pulled decaf luongo and one manually pulled ristretto. 16 oz total drink size in a double cupped 20 ounce cup covered with wax paper before lidding to prevent spilling. Three and a half pumps of flavored syrups added before milk or espresso. One quarter of the total milk is 2% lowfat, one quarter non-dairy soy and half heavy whipping cream. Various sweeteners added. Thick, whole milk foam (not whipped cream) six ice cubes, 186 degree milk (which scalds the milk), Caramel sauce on the bottom and floated on the top. Three pumps of Ebony Mocha with orange and chocolate flavor and shredded orange peel on top. (Valencia) Espresso shots poured into cup after everything else
(Macchiado).

This is in order. If you give them the recipe out of order, they will have to sort the requests into the proper order for the barista, requiring them to write it all down and figure it out. That would be good for another four or five minutes easy"

Adjustment in attitude

It's hard enough to deal with your own insurance company, but dealing with someone else's insurance company is a completely different kind of frustration. Just getting someone to actually talk to you is next to impossible. Once you actually talk to someone with a pulse, you get the weird feeling like they're somehow sliding a finger up your ass through the phone line. It's not exactly anal rape, but it's damned close, and you sure as hell don't want to know what's coming next.

Long story short, because I'm so sick of thinking about it, is that my car should be getting inspected and in the shop Monday...or at least it had better be in the shop on Monday or I'm hiring a lawyer. I'm just sick of thinking about it for now.

In other news, I have given up sodas. I've gone two weeks and I've only had one Dr. Pepper...and it made me feel like shit afterwards. Note that I haven't given up caffeine. Green tea has become my new best friend.

I think of it as an experiment. I've been a three-plus soda a day guy for as long as I can remember. And seeing as I've been at least fifty pounds overweight for about that same time. At 300 calories per can, do you think there's a connection? No sugar, no sweetener, no creamer, just green tea, black coffee, water or when I have to have something sweet, juice.

I've been feeling really good as a result. No sudden drops in my blood sugar, no heightened anxiety, and a surprising amount of energy. I credit this new choice in lifestyle for my ability to stay on the phone with the insurance people without wanting to kill something slowly.

Working the door last night, I did have a few flare-ups. A guy came in with his girlfriend, walked right past me and stood about five feet away from me...without paying the cover charge. There were people coming in, so I had to yell at the guy to get his attention. He acted like he didn't hear me, so I yelled again, "HEY! Three dollar cover, man!"

He turned around and shot me a dirty look, saying, "I heard you the first time."

"Well, then, acknowledge me the first time, buddy."

"I did."

"Whatever. Three dollars."

He reached for his wallet and shoved three dollars at me. His girlfriend gave him a little shove and told him not to be such a dick. I repeated her statement in the worst fuck-you tone I could, and for a moment, I thought the guy was gonna deck me. Then his girl turned his body towards the bar and gave him a little shove. She took a step away, but then turned to me and asked, "He didn't even pay for my cover, did he?"

I shook my head no. She fumbled around in her purse and handed me three bucks, rolling her eyes. She met up with her boyfriend at the bar and smacked him in the back of the head.

And I smiled.

I, smartass

My experiences over the past couple days have left me in a very sarcastic, often mean mood.

I had to log out of Yahoo Answers this evening because I was simply copying an pasting the same "Consider sterilization" comment to answer questions in the Singles & Dating section.

I reposted a chain bulletin on Myspace, asking what item you would purchase with a box of condoms to raise an eyebrow with the clerk. I put down a Hallmark card that reads, "Sorry about your loss".

I started a new chain bulletin that ties in with this article I read about the first chewable contraceptive for women, and if/when they introduce the contraceptive chewing gum, what would the flavors be? I ventured the guesses "Condomint", "No Baby Berry" and "Retaining Watermelon".

I suggested to my boss that maybe people would pay their invoices more promptly if he took a note from the common pimp. For instance, in lieu of "Final Notice", instead put "Am I gonna have to choke a bitch?"

I called the insurance company to see when I would hear from an adjuster, and when they asked to put me on hold, I said, "I'm not going anywhere...and neither is my car at the moment."


I need a drink. Off to Arnie's!

Suddenly having the urge to repeatedly stomp on a gecko

A quick guide to insurance: Insurance is like gambling money on the chance that something really horrible might happen to you.

A quick guide to the mentality of insurance agents: In keeping with the gambling metaphor, an insurance agent is like a roulette croupier that doesn't want to pay you for your winning bet. Protest all you want, but they've got the casino on their side.

A quick guide to good karma: Saving that extra 15% on your car insurance really isn't worth it. Geico, eSurance.com, American Mercury...all those places are able to give you those savings because they don't throw money away on little things like on-staff adjusters, people who actually know what their talking about and answers to important questions like, "When can I get my car fixed?"

I got up this morning and proceeded to burning through nearly all of my anytime minutes on my phone. Naturally, I called the office to let them know that I probably wouldn't be in until the afternoon, if at all. Next, I did a few Google searches to track down the phone number of that dumbass girl that hit my car's insurance agent, only to find that their office hours didn't start for another half hour at that point.

All that I got from the officer last night was the police report number, the dumbass girl's name, the insurance company's name and their local office's address. Once I got the agent on the phone, I got a toll-free number to call and the dumbass' policy number, and the news that all claims are handled through that toll-free number. I called the number, and was told that the local agent could and should handle the claim. Sensing a bleak cycle of calling the same two numbers over and over again and being told to talk to the other each time, I asked the guy, "Why don't you humor me and take down my information instead, okay?"

This guy on the toll-free line won my vote for the "least amount of help over the phone without having an Indian accent" award. Here are the paraphrased questions, answers and what I desperately wanted to say back to this tool:

Question: "What should I do about my car? Should I have it towed to a body shop, or just leave it parked next to the curb until the adjuster looks at it?"

Answer: "Hmmmm...Well, you can have it towed if you like, sir, but it might need to be towed to a body shop that we have on our list of reputable shops. It may be best to leave it until the adjuster sees it."

What I wanted to say back: "Okay, here's a tip on customer service: Instead of using words like "Hmmmm...", "Well," and "might need to be", it'd be better to just cut a loud fart. It's just as rude and, actually, more helpful."

Question: "How soon can the adjuster get here?"

Answer: "We'll have to assign one first, and he'll be calling you by the end of the next business day."

What I wanted to say back: "End of the next business day...okay. By any chance are you guys partnered with my cable company? Because this sounds eerily familiar to when I upgraded to digital cable."

Question: "What about my rental car?"

Answer: "What about your rental car?"

What I wanted to say back: "Answering a question with question. Touche. I'll play along. Can I have your home address and a quick description of your most crippling fear? Here's a two-fer: Do you have kids?"

Question: "I have two jobs, and I now don't have a way to get to either of them. I need a rental car. When can I expect to get one?"

Answer: "Sir, if you go ahead and rent a car yourself, we will re-imburse you for it."

What I wanted to say back: "That's better. Not at all helpful, but better."

Question: "If I don't hear from the adjuster by tomorrow, do I call back at this number?"

Answer: "Sure. Or, you can contact the local agent. They should be able to help you."

What I wanted to say back: "I am concentrating all of my energy and will to the hope that that headset of yours causes a tumor. Please go suck a tailpipe, you poor, pathetic excuse for a combination of carbon molecules."


So, I set out on my quest for a rental car. I got a name and number from my boss with a guy he knew at Thrifty. I set up a reservation online, and called to double-check. They informed me that I needed to put a $350.00 deposit down on a credit card. I checked my bank balance while the operator told me this, and my balance was $345.31. Fortunately, I had my mom's AmEx card number and her permission to use it for this purpose. Then I was informed that the cardholder had to be present at the time of rental. My mom lives four hours away. I could've had my boss tkae care of it for me, but having his name on the payment line would negate my re-imbursement from the "What Are You Calling Me For?" Insurance Agency.

I told the lady at Thrifty that I would call her right back. I called my folks and they offered to wire me some money to take care of it all, and to have it posted on my account immediately so I can get the rental car. Twenty minutes later, I called a friend at work to give me a lift to the car rental place.

When I arrived, the car I reserved wasn't in the parking lot. The lady at the counter said that they were out of that model, and that I was getting an upgrade for no extra charge. I had a choice of a PT Cruiser Convertible (perfect for twenty-degree weather), or the Jeep Liberty.

If I could afford one, I would get one of these Jeep Liberties in a heartbeat. I'm so hoping my car is declared totalled so I could at least entertain the idea of getting something like this thing. It is sooo choice.

Now, I'm gonna go for another drive. I just got home from doing laundry, and now I need to run to the store. I've got unlimited miles on my rental agreement, so I'm thinking Florida. See you guys later!

Son of a BITCH!

I had intended for this post to be about the sneak preview of The Holiday I went to tonight, but instead some dumbass hit my car after I got home, so I'm gonna vent about that!

I had been home about thirty minutes. I had the heater on and I was sitting on my couch watching the Daily Show. My feet were just getting nice and toasty next to the heater, I was feeling all warm and fuzzy, then CRUNCH!

I run to my window, pull apart the blinds and see a small Saturn coupe followed by a pickup truck pull away from where I had just parked my car. For a split second, I thought they had hit each other...but why would they both be pulling away?

I ran outside, barefooted in the snow and saw the two of them pulling into a driveway down the street. I ran up to them, more pissed than I've been in a long fucking time and announced my presence with the words, "You better have insurance!" They were both still sitting in their vehicles. The guy in the truck said "Yeah, we're looking for it right now."

It was good to know that they were much more calm about it than I was, but panic soon hit them when they heard me on my phone saying, "Police department, please?"

This little blond girl in the saturn stumbled up to me, urging me to hang up the phone, telling me that she'll pay for the damage. When in the history of civilization has anyone gotten away with that shit? Her demeanor (drunk or stoned or just rock-stupid) only assured me that calling the cops was a very, very, very good idea.

I get off the phone and walk over to my car to inspect the damage. The girl and her boyfriend (the guy in the pickup) followed me and kept telling me that they'd pay for it, that I didn't need to get the cops involved and that she just slid on some ice. The closest patch of ice to my car was fifteen feet away and about the size of my hand, not to mention it wasn't even in the trajectory in which she hit my car. I wasn't buying it for a second.

They walked back to their house and went inside. I went back into my apartment and put on some slippers and stood by my car for the cops. While I was waiting, a car pulled up to the stop sign. The passenger got out, stood there, took a piss on the street, got back in the car and they drove off. That would've been a great time for smokey to show up, but nooooo...

A few minutes later, my neighbor from across the street came out to see what happened. I told her the whole story, and when I was done, she asked me which apartment I lived in. I pointed it out to her, and she said, "You rent from [landlord's name here], don't you?" in a disparaging tone. My ears perked up.

She told me of how she rented from the guy once, got screwed and had to take him to court. I told her about all the shit he's pulled with me, and she didn't seem the least bit surprised...A letter from me to the Mayor's Action Committee is being processed at this very moment.

The cops showed up. I gave them my information, pointed out which house they were in, and calmly awaited further instructions. Minutes later, the officer asked if I could point them out in a line-up. I told them yes. Then, the officer went over to the car to look at the damage. I had gone inside to grab my camera, and all my years of watching CSI: really paid off. I pointed out that there's no way that small patch of ice could've caused her to skid into my car at that angle, unless her car had bald tires and the alignment out of whack by about 45 degrees. The officer was inclined to agree with me, but there have been too many accidents because of the snow and ice for them to rule out the girl's story.

I got a police report number and the girl's insurance info. The cop said it was liability only, not full coverage, and that the airbags went off in her car. The officer also informed me that the girl was getting ticketed for being at fault, so she may have a hard time getting anything from my insurance company.

The damage looks like it might be pretty bad. There weren't any fluids leaking out, but the driver's side wheel well was resting on the wheel, the driver's side door was untouched, but the fender was bent in a way that the door couldn't open more than three inches, the hood is crumpled, the headlight contains parts of her bumper and my bumper is barely attached to the car at all. I can't imagine it being totalled, but it looks like it may be damned close. My only hope is that there's some damage caused by the dislocated bumper to warrant getting a new passenger-side fender. That sum'bitch has been dented since two weeks after I got the car.

So, tomorrow morning, I must take the morning off to deal with her insurance company, and I'm not getting off the phone with them until I have a rental car reserved and ready for pick-up. I'm pretty much caught up on my work, so it shouldn't be any big deal to take the morning off.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Ohhhhhhh, it's beginning to look a lot like caption contest time! Post you captions to this picture in the comments section below. Hit me with your best shot. Fire away.

I've got two this week:

1. Note to Washington: Please don't do anything to piss off China. This is what their soldiers have to do instead of "Drop and give me twenty!".

2. China's censorship of the internet is getting really out of hand. If you Google the word "masonry", this is what you get...not the picture, they actually force you to bust bricks over your own head.


Last week's winner was One Charmed Motherfucker, back in true form with the caption: "Wow. Yeah, you're right - I AM glad I looked at that before you flushed it. ...Jesus."

He also gets major bonus points for the best written dramatic pause EVER! ...Jesus.


UPDATE: One Charmed Motherfucker has protested his win, and I do agree with him to some degree. Anonymous' caption: "Yes...my latest work. I call it...Tulsa Radio." was really good, but it was the "...Jesus" part that OCM's caption won it in my opinion. The decision stands.

In the spirit of democracy, I'll allow voting to take place in the future. So far, I've been the deciding vote, but if you like one in particular, let me know by emailing me at randomthoughtpatterns@yahoo.com .

Oh, and no voting for yourself. Thanks.

More bitching about my apartment

One thing I forgot to mention in my post about Yahoo Answers, and something that has strengthened my addiction to it is that it has a point system. 2 for answering, -5 for asking, 10 for being voted the best answer, etc. I have reached level 2 (out of 7) in just three days. I've walked away just long enough to sleep, clean my apartment and get some work done.

My upstairs neighbors are moving out today, and while I'm kinda glad I can be as noisy as possible and not bother anyone...not that I would, but it's nice to know that I can...I'm kinda sad to see them go. They were good people. And, as I found out, they've been having the same problems with our landlord as I have...and then some. They've lived here a whole two days longer than I have, and now I consider myself lucky, because at least I have a working stove and a working gas heater...they haven't this whole time.

It saddens me that this place hasn't been kept up to its full potential. If the landlords only put a little money towards new appliances, better insulating doors and windows, and a little remodeling, this place could be great! The downside to that is they couldn't justify $300 a month after that.

I went in Friday afternnon to pay my rent and bring up a couple issues. First of all, the empty apartment next to me has had it's door unlocked for a while now, and from what I can tell by going in there, I think a couple bums have squatted (in all senses of the term) there. The second was the fact that my place doesn't have a smoke detector. Yet again, I need to buy it myself and they'll take it off my next month's rent.

Seeing as I can't afford to move just yet, I'm not ready to rock the boat and risk getting evicted, which is why I haven't mentioned them by name as of yet. However, if the situation arises, I've already got enough ammo for the housing department to get an investigation started.

If my credit was good enough, what I'd love to see happen is the Housing Department come down hard on the landlord, and I would offer to buy the place myself and fix it up. I'd put in some more modern amenities (I was lucky to have a cable outlet in this place)...like dishwashers, maybe a small washer/dryer, heaters and air-conditioners that are less than forty years old, etc. I see soooo much potential in this place, and it's just a slum right now.

I can dream, I guess.

The Pick of Destiny

I just got home a little while ago from seeing Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny. It was a great little flick. I was laughing the whole way through, even gasping for air at times because I was laughing so hard.

How can I describe it? If you know nothing about Tenacious D going into it, you might not get it. If you know about them but aren't big fans, you'll probably be checking your watch several times. If you like them, you're gonna have a blast.

Hollywood should really take note when it comes to this movie. If you're gonna fill the multiplexes with brainless humor, this is how you should do it. There's nothing award winning about this film. it has just as much crude humor and foul language as any other "comedy" they put out nowadays. But what sets the Pick of Destiny apart is that when they have a fart joke, they don't have that moment afterwards that says "This was a fart joke, isn't that funny?" There's a a certain level of sophistication to this movie in that they don't pause for laughter (Wayans Brothers, take note), they don't use elaborate setups for lame-ass jokes (jot that down, Mike Myers) and when they go to a new level of absurdity it doesn't feel completely out of place (I'm looking at you, Will Ferrell).

Also, it's a movie mad for stoners, by stoners, but also seemed to have a couple drafts done on the script without the use of THC so that the straights might get a few laughs. Leaving the theater, I felt like I should see it once more, but completely stoned out of my gourd, just to test my theory.

My advice, watch School of Rock before seeing this, and This is Spinal Tap immediately afterwards. One movie to avoid even thinking about before or after this movie is Cradle Will Rock. For those of you playing at home, Jack Black and Kyle Gass were in that movie together, and it wasn't anywhere close to Tenacious D.

I am a sworn Brother of the Brush

After some prodding by my friend Tony, I have entered the Brothers of the Brush Beard Growing Contest sponsored by the Circle Cinema. I will be letting my beard grow until February 1, 2007. Knowing my folicalogical agility, I'll be lucky to go home with the Nice Try, Ethan Hawke award.

It's just dumb luck that the start of this contest fell on the coldest fucking night of the year. Let me take you back two months to the moment that I last bought aftershave, when I read the label and uttered to myself, "Hmmm...cooling sensation...I'll buy that!"

This should be an interesting experience. I'm gonna just let it grow and not do any edging until right before the judging. Three months of untouched beard growth from a guy who takes three days to get a five o'clock shadow.

My new addiction

Yahoo Questions. It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen on the web. If you go there, go directly to the singles and dating section.

It is a fascinating overview of just how fucked up some people in our society really are. Really, it's difficult to figure out how many of these people are for real. I'll give you an example:

Manny W Asks:

I feel I may have done big mistake with girlfriend. How can I get her to talk to me again?

I have been dating a nice girl for almost 2 months now. We get along fine but we have not made love yet. This makes me both hurt and mad. I take great offense to this. We will sleep in same bed sometimes but never do anything. She keeps saying to wait. Wait, wait,wait!!
I can't keep waiting. I got so mad last night that I shot my sperm in her face and hair while she was sleeping. She woke up and was really upset. I tried to calm her down but she kicked me out. How can I apologize for doing this when she won't answer the phone or return my messages?

First of all, is it any wonder why the Board of Education no longer calls it grammar school anymore? When you go through these questions, you'll be surprised how quickly you get accustomed to bad spelling, grammar, and most importantly everything made plural with Z's instead of S's. It's like everyone there had their questions and answers dictated by a fifteen-year-old-girl sending it in via text message.

Secondly, who says romance is dead?

Lastly, isn't it great to know that we live in a country where a guy can jerk off in his girlfriend's face out of frustration over her unwillingness to sleep with him, and still hold some shred of hope that she'll forgive him?


Not only can you find questions like this all over the place, but you get to answer them! Wanna know what I wrote to this doorknob?

"So, let me get this straight, out of frustration over her unwillingness to have sex with you, you jerk off in her face while she's sleeping. And now, you're wondering how to make this up to her?

You're lucky to not be charged with sexual assault, or at the very least, a restraining order! Maybe she didn't want to make love because she didn't feel 100% safe to share that part of her life with you, and sad to say, the next guy that comes into her life is gonna have to help her overcome not only that, but also the fear of waking up with sperm in her face!

It's over. Next time, try respecting a woman's wishes, and for God's sake, have a little self-control."

Over the past few weeks, I've been re-reading some of my earlier posts and I've gotten a great sense of perspective out of it. Now, I'm gonna go on this site and post questions about my past problems; questions I already know that answers to, but I wanna see what kind of feedback I get from these kind of people...people like:

1. The girl that saw a guy jerking off in his car (and thought he was cute), and was wondering if not letting him know she was watching was a wise decision.

2. Several guys bitching about all their white women going out with "black guyz".

3. Although it wasn't in the singles & dating category, the guy wanting to know how to make a toothpick out of a deer leg.

4. The guy wanting to know if anyone has a passcode to Bangbros (NSFW) he could borrow.

5. The teenage girl desperate to know how to tell the lesbian recruiters at her school to back off.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

Do you have any idea what the street value of this city is?

This kinda sucks. There's at least 8 inches of snow outside and there's no real signs of it stopping before the morning. The good news is that the ice and snow has built up around the edges of the windows and is keeping any drafts from coming in. Going to Arnie's tonight might be a wash.

Surprisingly, I managed to get to work on time going 10 MPH on the surface roads. Around 11:00, my boss started sending people home. I didn't have too much to do anyway, so I took whatever work i had to do and took it home with me. I worked on it while catching up on the shows I missed last night.

For the past few days, Chuckles has been a bit stir crazy. He's been hanging around by the front door whining to be let outside. Today was no exception. So, I left the door open long enough for him to see a chance to escape. He enthusiastically lept out the front door onto the snow and ice just outside my door, looked around, uttered what I can only imagine is cat-ese for "Fuck this!", then lept back inside and laid down in front of the heater. Cats, non-stop entertainment.

Now, I'm a bit keyed up. I don't wanna go outside, but I'm running out of stuff to do around here. The three hot chocolates I've had hasn't helped either.

Unrelated tidbits

A guy in Amsterdam recently aimed to set a world's record for the largest joint...And who says stoners have no initiative?

The 16-year-old actress playing the Virgin Mary in the upcoming movie The Nativity Story has announced that she's pregnant out of wedlock.

I could've been a millionaire if someone hadn't stolen my idea for the Turducken. Alhough, to be fair, my idea was called the Elebeefostporturduckenailakeet. It the same principal, but instead it was layers of Elephant, side of beef, ostrich, suckling pig, turkey, duck, chicken, quail, parakeet. I ran into three problems: A) elephant anti-poaching laws, B) Lacking the strength to debone the larger animals and the precision to debone the smaller ones, and C) the average consumer doesn't have the oven space. If only I had pared down the idea, I'd be rich.

Supposedly, Kid Rock has broken up with Pam Anderson over her appearance in the movie Borat. Read that again.

Today, the temperature dropped twenty degrees and went from sunny to stormy in about thirty minutes. Who opened the seventh seal?

Beware of Pump #1 at the QuikTrip at 11th and Utica. The shutoff trigger is broken on the nozzle, and my tank overflowed...onto my shoes.

I found a cause that may not go over very well in the Midwest: Global Orgasm Day. December 22nd.

There's a old textbook from the fifties on my shelf titled Writing Good Sentences. Shouldn't that be Writing Sentences Well?

If Camel Cigarettes are a Turkish tobacco blend, why do they have an Egyptian pyramid on the package?

So much for opening with a joke...

One of my guilty pleasures in life is a moderately recent invention: The Myspace Survey. I don't know who starts these things, but it's an interesting study into the minds of not only the people filling out the survey, but also the anonymous writer of the questions. My philosophy: What better way to sharpen your sarcasm skills than to tackle absurd questions from a total stranger?

Tonight, it kinda backfired on me. So far, I've gotten two messages in the past hour about my answer to question #7: Have you ever been raped?

Considering that the other 49 questions ranged from threesomes to streaking to porn shops to getting "road head", this one question takes a sharp turn into dangerous territory. My approach was simple: An absurd question deserves an absurd answer...in this case, these eight words seemed to spark some controversy: "No, my parents never took me to church."

It wasn't the first time I've deflected a sensitive subject with crude humor, and certainly wasn't the first time I've resorted to clergy molestation humor. But the complaints were directed at the subject of rape itself, as if I put the damned question on the survey. There is not a single casual or basic clinical situation that this question would be in the top fifty, much less seventh. Seriously, this isn't even a question you get asked until at least the third psychotherapy session.

True, I could've just answered with a simple "no", but I went with a joke. And considering my response to question #34, asking if I've ever been offended by bad personal hygeine "down there" and I used the analogy of a skunk getting a perm, what did I get for that? Nothing.

My point is this: Anything remotely offensive that comes out of my head is strictly to hold a mirror up to the situation and show how idiotic it truly is. I'm reminded of encountering a black guy when I was younger who announced his hatred of white people because of slavery. I told him that in the days of slavery my people were back in Germany and they left there years later because a certain someone was telling them that a different race was inferior to their own...and that if he was gonna hate me, then he should have a better reason than that. If it wasn't for my abnormally quick reflexes at the time, I managed to run away before he pummeled me to a bloody pulp.

...ahhh...I see their point. Next time, I'll go with the easy answer.

Death of a Digital Camera

Two years and four months ago, I bought myself a little early birthday present: A Sony Cybershot Digital Camera. In that time, I have taken over 3,000 shots (only about 1,800 worth keeping). I've photographed everything from the obligatory shot of my own feet, to shots I've used in my work, to drunken shots of my friends in various - albeit goofy and goodnatured - stages of undress, to templates for digital illustrations I use as Christmas presents to my family to show them what I do with my college education...and my Wacom tablet.

It's been a good friend to me...but unfortunately, after a long illness that has heretofore been remedied by percussive maintenance, the Cybershot has gone to that great junk drawer in the sky. It is survived by two 128 MB Memory Sticks, a USB cable and an instruction manual.

In rememberance of the plucky little camera that could, I present to you the final photograph I was able to upload before the preview screen went dark. This photo was the result of a bored Sunday afternoon watching Ferris Beuller's Day Off on cable.

No funeral service will be held, but donations will be received on the camera's behalf. Proceeds will go towards a better, more professional grade camera. Please email me for further details.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Okay, I know that this is usually a Wednesday night thing, but I'm moving it to Mondays because I figure this is a good way to start off the week. Post your captions in the comments section below.

Here's my caption for the week:

"Now, this model I think will be right up your alley. It's got a built-in air freshener, skidmark protection, automatic courtesy flush feature and supersonic suction. Here, watch what it'll do to this pound of ravioli..."


The winner of the last caption contest was Anonymous with the caption: "Pedro had a dream of a better life in America, but he wasn't gonna do it without his prize bull Benicio."

Thanksgiving with the family

I spent Wednesday night getting ready for my trip to Little Rock for Thanksgiving. I cleaned up the apartment, so that my friends coming over to feed Chuck wouldn't think I was living in absolute squalor. I made an MP3 disk fo rmy car that was roughly the same length of the four-hour drive down there...which I discovered I could've had 10 hours on a single disk, but my attention span isn't that bad.

Thursday, I get up early (by day-off-standards), feed Chuck, pack up the car and head out of town. I call my parents from the road and let them know when to expect me. I talk to my stepdad for a short while, wherein he informs me to not be surprised by my mother's black eye. I swerve to get back on the road and listen to the explanation. Truns out my mom was grabbing something off the top shelf in the pantry, accidentally knocked off the light fixture and it landed on her face. I was just thankful the expanation didn't involve her refusing to get her bitch-ass back in the kitchen and make him some pie. Not that that would ever happen. Knowing my mom, if that was ever the case, the phone call wouldn't be about the black eye, but rather to inform me that my mother was being booked for murder.

I got to my parents' house about the same time my stepbrother did. I hadn't seen the guy in about two years, and from what I could tell, and was completely surprsed by, he has really pulled his life together. He's had the same job for the past two years (pervious record: 3 months), he's trying to spend as much time as he can with his daughter and-gasp-paying for things with his own money! It was really great hanging out with him.

Almost every time I spend time with my family, there is always a certain level of passive-aggressive criticism towards certain areas of my life, i.e. finances, relationships, wardrobe, etc. It's never enough to really spark conflict between us, but enough to not go unnoticed. This time, aside from from a comment about how my hair looks so much better than the shaved head they last saw, everything was just peachy.

I had to drive back last night because I had to work the door at Arnie's. I got back into town at seven, and had to be at work at eight. After four hours straight in the car, needless to say I did most of my work standing up. I was home by two and asleep by two-thirty.

Now, I'm slow-cooking some chili for dinner, and catching up on my DVRed shows while I was gone. Another lazy Sunday.

Late night with Conan the Barbarian

The weekend

Yesterday, I had a very interesting triple feature of sorts. Casino Royale in the afternoon, a very heavy yet very good play called the Pillowman at the Nightengale Theater and Plan 9 From Outer Space at the Circle Cinema midnight movie. As a bonus, still hopped up on the Mr.Pibb at Plan 9, I went home and watched DVRed Robot Chicken until I was ready to fall asleep.

Friday night I worked the door, and yet again I had another one of those bizarre circumstances. You see, when you pay a cover at Arnie's, the money is going to the band, not the bar. Friday night, A guy came in, I asked for the three bucks, and he explained to me through sign language that he was deaf. So, if he can't hear the band, should I really charge him to see them? He was only coming in for one beer, so I didn't charge him. But seriously, what should be the protocol on something like that?

Another little thing that happened to me while working at the door that I haven't mentioned in the blog. Last Friday, a man came up to the door asking for directions to another club. Pretty innocuous, except for the fact that the guy used to be the fucking MAYOR, and the place he was asking about was five blocks from his old office! Is it any wonder why he didn't get re-elected?

Today, I think I'll skip my normal Sunday ritual of sitting on my ass watching TV and playing video poker. I'm gonna clean my car, maybe snap a few photos, and not come home until it's time for the Simpsons. Annnnnndddd, I'm OFF!

Royale without cheese

I just got home from seeing Casino Royale, and before I get to the review, I got a couple of open letters I need to send out:

Attention old people: If you're gonna go to the movie theater, and you insist on having someone with you repeat any and all lines of dialogue, please have the wherewithall to bring someone with better hearing than you. I spent half the movie trying to shhh you guys and the other half wanting to correct you.

Attention everyone who's been bitching about Daniel Craig being a bad choice to play Bond: Suck it, losers.

Now, on with the review:

I've always been a huge Bond fan. I've seen every film. I've seen every one since A View To A Kill in theaters. I even survived Never Say Never Again, the Dalton years and the cinematic near-death rattle that was The World Is Not Enough.

I'm so much of a fan that I know the whole formula and still come back for more:

After the gun barrel/dripping blood opening shot, we see Bond on a seemingly normal mission where he swoops in undetected after some bizarrely elaborate stunt or by posing as some businessman. He's found out, alarms start blaring and dozens of henchmen with the worst aim in history start shooting at him. Shortly thereafter, the bad guy gets away with the item Bond is there to retrieve and/or Bond has to pull off some other impossible stunt to escape. Then comes the credit sequence with the song that has no chance of being a hit single but is cool within the context of a Bond film, then the briefing of the new mission that is somehow related to the opening scene. Q shows up with a bunch of gadgets that are really built for one purpose that isn't really clear until the third act. Bond sleeps with a woman who is closely tied in with the bad guy, gets some important information from her, Bond taunts bad guy, bad guy gets mad, attempts to kill Bond and fails, captures Bond, announces his entire plan for world domination to Bond while he's strapped to some convoluted torture device and leaves to carry out his plan, Bond escapes and kills the torturer with his own torture device, goes in, saves the day and blows off a stern lecture from M to have sex with the girl. Credits roll and "James Bond Will Return".

With Casino Royale, take everything about that formula, with the exception of the opening credit sequence and "James Bond Will Return" and throw out the rest. This is pre-Bond. He's flawed, he's sloppy in his methods, he's still coming to grips with the psychological pitfalls of his line of work, and he actually capable of mistakes. He's still cocky and arrogant as hell, but this time it's more of first-week-on-the-job, shoot-first-ask-questions-later kind of arrogance. If he fails, he immediately tries again. Most importantly, he's not afraid to get a little messy.

Sure, it turns the franchise on its ear. It's not the Bond we've seen so far, but that is the best part. I too am pissed that Peirce Brosnan got fired, but he couldn't have pulled this off. Don't get me wrong, Brosnan was great in the role, but he was too slick for this kind of a ride. They needed someone we didn't know too well. They needed someone who we couldn't see coming. We needed someone we didn't know if we could get behind right away. We needed Daniel Craig.

I believe Sean Connery was exactly what Bond should've been as an older character, and we saw in him a level of "Excuse me, I've got business to attend to." kind of professionalism. Roger Moore was too much of a glib smartass, not to mention the fact that you could tell every moment he called for a stunt double. Timothy Dalton, I'm convinced, was only there to make George Lazenby look better in the role. With Brosnan, we at least got a sense of history and an insight to how a life of killing has effected the character, but never enough to keep him from getting the job done.

Daniel Craig's Bond, much like the actor himself, has not yet come to grips with what this new job has in store for him. The job could very well be a death sentance ("From what I understand, double-o's have a very short life expectancy"), but if he pulls it off, he'll survive to see greater glory. The filmmakers made a brilliant choice to not play any hint of the original Bond theme until the end credits started, when James Bond becomes JAMES FUCKING BOND.

The bad guy this time isn't the same Bond villian we're used to. Le Chiffre could give a rat's ass about theatrics, he has no plans to take over the world, he's just desperately trying to do what he must do to survive, and if he succeeds, we're all pretty much fucked. After seeing Casino Royale, I felt cheated by the past few Bond villians. Looking back now, they were pretty weak:

Die Another Day: A Korean guy turns himself into a smug British white guy to sell conflict diamonds so he can buy a giant mirror?

The World Is Not Enough: Okay, so you got a guy who cannot feel pain, and his sole purpose was to push a fucking button? So much potential wasted.

Tomorrow Never Dies: This one was actually pretty good. A media mogul tries to incite World War III just to drive up ratings on his new news channel. This flick is like porno for Fox News executives.

GoldenEye: 006. The good news for him, he's had the same training as Bond, so he knows exactly how Bond would react in a bad situation. The bad news for him, vice versa.

The Living Daylights: What's the greatest threat to our huge arms deal? A cello player, that's who.

Licence to Kill: I couldn't accept Robert Davi as a legitimate bad guy after watching the Goonies. Despite Timothy Dalton's supposed strengths as Bond, I couldn't help but think that an annoying twelve-year-old asian kid who only thought he was James Bond could take this guy down.

A View To A Kill: Seriously, the bad guy tries to escape in a giant blimp. Next time, go for something that is A) not so easy to hit, B) moves faster than 20 MPH, and C) doesn't have your fucking name on the side of it!

From the Bush School of Diplomacy

This is camera phone footage of a student at UCLA getting repeatedly tased by campus police, simply for refusing to stand up when he was asked. Wanna know something else? according to the site that I first saw this video, the kid is of Iranian descent.

Apparently it doesn't require a gun for a cop to be a little too trigger happy. I'm gonna follow this story as it unfolds from here on out, anxiously awaiting the announcement that the cops involved will be sent to "sensitivity training". Listen, I know recruitment numbers are down, but maybe people wouldn't be so freaked out by the cops if they did a little more on the front end to weed out these kind of whack-jobs. If you need to be told not to give 10,000 volts to a kid for not wanting to stand up, or just for being non-white, maybe you shouldn't be in that position of power.

Sick, just sick.

Wednesday Night Caption Contest

It's caption time again, and for the first time, I have an early entry in the contest. I asked One Charmed Motherfucker if he had any ideas for this week's pic, and because he was so busy, he told me to find a picture for his caption instead. Reverse engineering...I like it! And it leads us to this week's pic.

Here's One Charmed Motherfucker's caption:

"You're right - I never thought being a bull semen salesman would have so many pitfalls."

Here's mine for the week:

Undeterred by the PETA protests, the Running of the Bulls is now a triathalon.


The winner of last week's contest is Toni with the caption: "I don't know dude - I thought for sure we'd pull the chics after we had our teeth bleached and veneered..."

Ideas I'm working on

1. Pre-Tea.
This is merely a continuation of a current trend. Black tea was king of the teas for a long time. Then Green tea hit the market, which is essentially the same tea, just harvested sooner. Now, we have white tea, which is made from baby tea leaves. Pre-tea continues the same trend by just filling the tea bags with seeds. The next step? Pollen.

2. The next big TV sensation.
Combine the themes of every hit primetime show over the past five years. You find a group of antagonistic crime fighting brain surgeons with troubled pasts and super powers, strand them on a desert island, make them choose from one of 26 briefcases, each containing a clue to the murder of the contestant that mysteriously died the previous week. Whoever can guess the murderer correctly gets immunity at the dance contest...and it's all told in real time.

3. Easy Meat.
The same principle as a can of Easy Cheese...only with meat. Pureed meat in a pressurized can.

4. The iPod.
You're right...it's been done.

5. A board game called Threshold.
A typical board game where the point is to get from start to finish on a game board. Only, instead of dice, there is a deck of cards with irritating situations on them. Move one space for each second you can endure situations like your opponents spitting watermelon seeds at you, or purple nurples or being strangled. It's cool, put a disclaimer on it and I won't get sued.

6. Involuntary Celebrity Boxing.
An online poll determines which celebrity is that week's target. Then, we determine what will be the most highly televised event that celebrity will be on that week...Oprah, Letterman, the View, etc. Then, we have a professional boxer come out and punch the living crap out of them.

You're a lost wallet, Charlie Brown

As a man of my word, I went out first thing this morning to do laundry. When I got there, I realized I didn't have my wallet...I must have left it at home. I had cash with me, so I got a new laundry card and took care of business.

When I got home, I turned my place upside down looking for that damned wallet and couldn't find it anywhere. I checked out in the car, nothing. I drove back to the bar I was at last night, zip. My wallet was gone.

Driver's license, check card, social security card (I know, dumbass move), voter registration, medical insurance, laundry card with $20 charged to it, business cards, condom, treasure map, complete list of my allergies and crippling fears...okay, I made those last three up. The thing that pissed me off was the wallet itself. It was a tan canvas wallet with Charlie Brown on it with the word BLOCKHEAD above him.

I sent out a Myspace bulletin just in case someone at the bar last night picked it up. It was a long shot, seeing as I remember having the wallet at 10:00 last night and putting it in my back pocket. If it was gone, odds are it was stolen.

The thing is, I can't be too upset about losing all that stuff because I've been meaning to renew everything in there. The check car'd magnetic strip was almost shot and all my IDs had my old address on them. It's the inconvenience of having to do all that stuff at once that irked me.

I go to the office for a couple hours and when I got home, I pulled into the same parking space I used when I got home last night. Stepping out of mr car, I see the leaves piled up on the curb...with Charlie Brown's face looking right at me. My beloved wallet was back in my possession and all objects therein completely accounted for.

So, my check card is cancelled, but at least I have and ID to write checks with.

You'd think that since I'm paying them money they'd simplify the process a bit

I had been planning to do laundry and pay bills today. That is all I was supposed to do.

The last time I did laundry, I went ahead and put twenty bucks on my card to save me having to get cash before I did it next time. Today, I got all my laundry together and headed down to the laundromat. Soon, it became apparent that there was something going on at TU. Traffic was slow, the street was blocked off, the side streets were flooded with parked cars, and once I finally reached the laundromat parking lot, it was full. Looking into the laundromat from my car, there were only three people in there doing their laundry. The closest place to park, from what I could tell was about five blocks away. I headed for home and decided to do laundry tomorrow.

I grabbed my bills and headed out to pay my bills. All of the utilities I pay at the ChoicePay kiosk at the grocery store. I got my cash at the ATM and went up to the kiosk. I was out of service. Oh well, I'll just go down the street to the other grocery store that has another kiosk.

Getting out the parking lot was a bit of a challenge. It was as if every soccer mom in the tri-state area decided at once to navigate their mini-vans through the parking lot after taking heroic doses of magic mushrooms. They paused at every stop sign like eventually they'd be shown a "go" sign. And the speed bumps? Let's just say I've seen people climb Everest with less hesitation. We used to send these kind of people away so they could knit imaginary sweaters all day or learn how to retread tires. Now, we give them mini-vans, a charge card and a shopping list.

I get to the other grocery store and the kiosk is being used by a woman with three kids, two full shopping carts and the mathematic agility of a dead squirrel. After several long minutes, she managed to push the right buttons, get her treat and off she went to go feed Jabba the Hutt. I got my utilities paid in a minute flat. All that was left was the cell phone bill.

I went into the US Cellular place that I purchased my phone, went up to the counter and waited. I understand it was busy, but it took fifteen minutes for someone to even acknowledge my presence. When Zippy the Wonder Clerk finally came out, he told me that I could just leave my payment on the counter. I told him that in the age of identity theft, I'm not buying the honor system they've got going on. Besides, I was paying with a check card. His respose to that, "Sir, you could do that over the phone."

After a deep breath, I let it all out. "I tried that once. I also tried paying over the internet, but both times it didn't get credited to my account. Now, I like to have a human being, maybe some sort of...let's call him a customer service representative, look me in the eye and tell me it's all in the system and, I dunno, maybe get a receipt! I know you've got a lot of new customers you gotta sign up right now, but I'm sure they'd understand and maybe appreciate that someone actually gets help after they sign up for your service."

Zippy asked that I wait for just a few more minutes and he'll be able to take care of it for me. I told him I had some paint drying at home that I'd rather watch and left.

My head was hurting and my blood sugar was low, so I pulled into Sonic and ordered a extra long chili cheese coney with mustard and onions, tater tots, and a cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper. What I got was a chili cheese coney, tater tots with mustard and onions and a cherry vanilla Diet Coke. I called the carhop back and sent everything back. When I got the corrected order, it looked like they dumped half a tub of mustard on the coney. Whatever, at least I didn't find a big loogie in it.

Driving home with my head still throbbing and with everyone in traffic not knowing where the hell they're going (only that they might find it if they turn left in front of me). I get a mile away from home and look off to my left and there is another US Cellular outlet with no one in the parking light, an open sign brightly lit, and what I believe is a beam of light from the heavens and a chorus of angels singing. I go in, pay my bill, get confirmation from a human being and a receipt! Cue Beetoven's Ode to Joy and I'm on my way home.

So now I'm home, breath reeking of mustard, headache almost gone and a feeling of relief that my bills are all paid up until next month. Maybe I'll try to get my laundry done at the crack of dawn tomorrow, before they roll the rock away from the front of the cave and let the crazies out.

Political cures that may be worse than the disease Vol.4: Election reform

For 12 years, Democrats like myself have been shooting darts at the huge elephant, and finally, this week we hit the central nervous system of the big beast and won back both houses of Congress. Granted it was by a very narrow margin...most of the races I saw were won by less than 5% of the vote.

And, with every election since I became eligible to vote, there have been dirty tricks all around, so I have figured out a few things that might help fix a few things about the process:

1. Negative attack ads: From what I understand, it is law for media organizations to devote equal time to each candidate. The solution for negative attack ads is two-fold. First, outlaw the 527 groups; the non-profit groups whose sole purpose is to advertise their viewpoint, regardless of whether it is factual, proper or by any sense of the term "in good taste", to defame or impune the character of a political candidate. Some would argue that these ads are incredibly effective, but then again it's so much easier to win the vote by stimulating the voters modula oblogata than their hearts, isn't it?. Plus, if they say that it isn't endorsed by any candidate, it's exempt from the equal time guidelines. They may not publicly endorse it, but they're not exactly going on record to refuse the assistance, are they?

Now, when it comes to the ads that are actually endorsed by the candidates or their political organizations, here's my solution: If they're supposed to allow equal airtime to each candidate, I'd love to see one candidate, just once, refuse to advertise on the air. Have them run a strictly grass-roots campaign. Internet, rallies, fundraising benefits, etc. pull in a ton of money, folks. Feasibly, a candidate could run his/her entire campaign without a tv or radio ad, which would force their opponent to do the same. Besides, in the age of TiVo and DVR, no one really watches those ads anyway.

2. Election disruption techniques: Classify robo-calling, letter campaigns telling voters they shouldn't vote, slashing tires of vans that transport people to the polls, flooding the phone lines of campaign headquarters and election help hotlines with prank phone calls as terrorist acts. Hell, they are essentially tactics that infringe on our inalienable rights, so let's treat them as such.

3. Exit polls: This is the easiest to fix. At the next major election, if you are approached by a pollster, give them misleading information on purpose. Tell them the exact opposite of what you just voted. Give all the Karl Roves of the world that false sense of security that makes the concession speeches their candidates have to give later so entertaining.

4. Public debate: Enforce the rules of civilized debate with shock collars...Eliminate teleprompters...Or, my personal favorite, have political speeches follow the same rules as Japanese game shows. Imagine a candidate that must give his speech, from memory, while in a tank of scorpions and with the threat that if they misspeak one word, they will get puched in the balls (or equally sensitive area) by a midget in a court jester costume.

5. Campaign finance reform: Each candidate is allowed a limit of $50 from each person or corporation that donates to their campaign. Anyone who tries to donate more than that will be prosecuted on bribery charges. I know it costs a lot of money to run for office, but if they want to show that they can balance the budget, let them show us how they handle these kinds on money restraints.

6. Move Election Day to April 15th: Let's see these fuckers straighten their acts when we pay them the same day we hire or re-hire them.

7. Leave the kids out of it: No one has ever questioned any candidate devotion to their own family. Bringing your kids out solely to illustrate how you care about eductaion, abortion, same-sex marriage, etc. is demeaning and insulting. Adn, if your character is being attacked because of allegations of an extra-marital affair, homosexuality or past episodes of abuse, dragging your family out there should be codsidered cruel and unusual punishment, particularly if you are admitting the accusations are true. Say what you will about Clinton, at least he had the decency to leave Hillary and Chelsea at home when he fessed up.

8. Concession speeches: You lost your job. Boo fucking hoo. I'd say that now you'd know how most of your constituants have felt these past few years, but we all know we won't be seeing you in the unemployment lines anytime soon and they certainly won't be raking in the cash you will going on the lecture circuit or being named chairman of some board of directors out there. And don't tell us, "Well, we fought the good fight" or some bullshit like that. Just come out and congratulate the winner and admit you lost. Don't tell us that you're doing the honorable thing by not dragging us through a lengthy recount. Gore won the popular vote in 2000, and there was some sneaky shit going on in Florida with the ballots. You know it, we know it, and to stand there and tell us that you're doing the honorable thing and accepting that you lost is a bit hipocritical considering the side you were taking when Gore tried to fight for what was rightfully his.

9. Remember the third commandment: Do not take the Lord's name in vain. That doesn't just mean no cursing. It also applies to invoking your own faith in God to imply that your opponent does not share the same values. Just because the person you're running against says they're pro-choice doesn't mean they kill unborn children as part of some satanic ritual. It simply means that if it'll keep a desperate woman from going to a med school flunkee in a back alley somewhere rather than raise a child on minimum wage and have little or no help from the government thanks to this administration's welfare policies, than it might be worth it. Same with gay marriage. Your opponent's support of same-sex marriage doesn't mean they're some sort of godless sodomite looking to recruit underage kids for an orgy. It simply means that gay people are gonna commit themselves to one another anyway just like straight couples do...it's just unfair for straights to pay $50 for a marriage license and gay couples can't do anything for the same recognition.

10. Not everything is a fucking photo-op: Sure, you're in the public eye, but do you have to play for the cameras every time? If you go out to dinner somewhere, just have dinner. It doesn't have to be some event to be documented. If a cameraman happens to be there, go about eating your dinner as any normal person would. Don't go to a soup kitchen in Harlem and slice turkey for the homeless then sit down with them and act like you somehow "relate" to their plight. These people are trying to eat at least one meal that wasn't pulled out of a dumpster. You've never had a bounced check in your life. Yeah, you're such a man of the people.

11. Quit trying to spin everything: In this election, we've seen a candidate admit to having an affair, but deny ever choking his mistress, another candidate call an Indian-American man an obscure racial slur and tell him, "Welcome to America" when the man was born here AND downplay his own Jewish heritage by declaring his love for pork chops, many candidates who has taken considerable contributions from crooked lobbyists and shady businesses..and all of them not only stayed in their respective races, but managed to garner a considerable amount of the votes (30-49%) due to their ability to bullshit their way out of it. I guess it's much more important to appear to be a good person that represents our American values that is is to actually embody those values. Meanwhile, in the real world, if someone is even accused of wrongdoing in their work, their career is over no matter how much they try to bullshit. Why is it so different for politics?

Oh well, at least we've got some serious changes coming our way this January...that is unless Bush declares himself emperor between now and then.